


Lost Creatures

by Affienia



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Adoption, Drinking, Geniuses, M/M, Self Harm, Self-Destruction, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-09 16:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 35,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Affienia/pseuds/Affienia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Loki Laufeyson and Tony Stark. Two men, both broken and lost. One chance meeting. Can they help fix each other or are they just lost creatures after all? Eventual Loki/Tony. Rated M for sexual references and possibly violence and self harm.<br/>THIS IS ON HIATUS. MAY NEVER BE FINISHED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all. Well I started posting this over on FF.net but looking in to their policy changes makes me sad. I'm not sure how well this story will fit in with those changes as it goes along so I'm cross posting over here and may eventually move it exclusively here.
> 
> Thanks for reading :o)

“So Loki, why are you here?”

It’s a simple question and that is exactly the reason why it irks him. Given the choice he wouldn’t be here. But he had promised his family and that still means something to him.

“I’m here because I promised I would try. Because they were worried about me.” It’s not much over a whisper but the therapist hears him. “Don’t you know all this already? I mean I must have a file or something.”

“You do,” agrees the therapist, “but I like to see if you know why you’re here. I mean, you’ve promised your family but that doesn’t mean you actually have to be here.” He looks down at his notes and then fixes Loki with a very direct look. “Ok, here is how we’re going to work these sessions. You need to come here once a week. Doesn’t have to be the same time or day but the appointments must be within 7 days of each other. I expect you to work with me as much as you can and I will do my best to help you. I’d like to try and keep them as informal as possible so you can call me Adam, ok?”

“Ok,” mumbles Loki. 

“Right then, I guess we’d best begin. You were right that I have a file on you. You’ve been referred to me after a failed suicide attempt. I’m not going to dodge around that fact, that’s what we are here to deal with. I appreciate that it’s a hard subject to start with but why don’t we start with that day?”

Loki looks at Adam is if he is insane. Why don’t we start with that day? It’s like he’s been asked to run a marathon before he’s even taken his first step. How is he supposed to tell this complete stranger what he was thinking that day? Does he even know what he was thinking that day? Shaking his head and getting up to pace to the window Loki tries to do as he is asked. 

“It was a Tuesday,” he begins. 

It was a Tuesday and he didn’t work on Tuesdays. The bookshop was closed all day and he usually took this opportunity to catch up on the housework, refill the cupboards and all the other mundane tasks that needed to be done by him since he lived alone. It was right in the middle of cleaning the bathroom when he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Pale skin catching the light, black hair such a contrast. The raised lines of various scars making shadows on his thin frame. For one brief moment Loki felt clarity. He felt alone and tired and could not face another second of feeling this way. 

He went and made himself a coffee. He’d been feeling like that on and off for about 10 years and been mostly coping with it. Of course his coping was carving lines into his body til he felt better but it worked. Loki turned to Adam and said, “I kept it hidden for so long. It’s amazing how little my parents and brother noticed. Once I moved out it was even easier to hide. Thor pretty much stopped noticing anything I did once we went to university. He was busy getting drunk and laid and I was busy losing my mind.” He sighed and turned back to the window, drifting back into storyteller mode. The coffee didn’t do much to make him feel better and neither did the beer he had after it. Or the vodka. Or the absinthe. Suddenly he was drunk, alone, depressed and reaching for a blade. 

“To be honest I’m not even sure if I meant to dig in so hard or if I just misjudged.” Loki ran his hands through his hair, his green eyes going dark. “But the next thing I knew there was blood everywhere and I realised that it was serious. To this day I have no idea why I rang Thor. Maybe my inner 12 year old wanted my older brother to look after me. Either way he showed up, got me to the hospital and they fixed me up. The psych nurse recommended therapy and that is why I am here.”

Loki returned to the couch and looked at a patch of wall just to the left of Adam’s head. He’d spoken more there than he could remember speaking to another human being in quite a while. That thought depressed him even more.

“Well Loki, that was a good start.” Adam made a couple of notes in his file and then reached into a box on the floor. “This is for you,” he said as he passed a thick book over to Loki. “It’s diary which I would like you to try and write in every day until our next session. Do you think you can do that?”

Loki shrugged and nodded his head. “Excellent. Ok then do you have any questions for me before we end the session?” Again Loki shrugged but shook his head in the negative this time. “Right then you are free to go. Don’t forget to make your next appointment on your way out.”

Adam shook his hand and gently ushered Loki to the door and into the reception. He invited his next client in and closed the door quietly. Loki stood there for a couple of moments and then strode to the reception desk to make his next appointment.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam closed the door quietly and motioned for his next client to take a seat. 

“So Anthony, you made it to a session finally,” He says it with a smile but there is a certain amount of rebuke there.

“Well it was this or listen to my friend berate me again. You came up trumps Adam. Also, don’t call me Anthony, only my father did. It’s Tony, or my lord.” Tony smirks at this as he raises an eyebrow at Adam.

“OK then Tony. Why don’t you tell me why you were referred to me? I’m sure you can make it an interesting story.” He looks at Tony expectantly.

“I do have quite the gift for storytelling. Ok I’ll spill. You don’t mind if I make myself comfortable do you?” Adam merely waved his hand as if to say, please do. Tony kicks his shoes off and lies down on the couch as if it were his own. “Where to begin. If I go too far back it become a little too David Copperfield for my taste. Not far enough and you lose the sense of drama. Ah, perfect,” and with that he begins his story.

“The short version of why I am here is because a judge says so. It was therapy or jail and I am far too pretty to go to jail. Do you know what they do to men as handsome as me in there! As to why a judge had decided this, well, I might have caused a bit of a fracas. And by might I mean did. One drink too many, messing with the wrong gargantuan meathead in a bar and the next thing I know he is in hospital and I’m at the police station. The guy agreed not to press charges but the courts decided I was unstable and needed assistance. I tried to explain that I am not unstable merely a genius but apparently that is not a good enough excuse.” Tony shifted on the couch so he could look directly at the therapist. “Whatever happened to geniuses being allowed to be eccentric, huh? Anyway that is why I’m here. So what now?”

Adam looks at his notes before replying. “You’ve been ordered to attend sessions here for 6 months. So we will have one session a week which means one within seven days or less of the last one. If you go over that it will be reported to the courts as a violation of your sentence. During these sessions we’re going to see what we can do about getting you to integrate with society a little bit more.”

“Integrated? That sounds so impersonal. I like to think I can be more personal with society, surely.” 

Adam sighs. “Tony if the society papers are anything to go by you have been far too personal with most of society already. Based on what I have read you are volatile, self-obsessed and I believe one journalist stated that you don’t play well with others. I think they must have been referring to people like the gentleman at the bar. You are known to spend a lot of your time in the company of a bevy of beautiful women. None of this sounds very integrated to me.”

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read Doc,” Tony mumbles, the veneer of confidence slipping slightly.

“Then tell me about you, who you really are. Dispel the media myths. Introduce me to Tony Stark, not Howard Stark’s son.”

Tony’s head snaps up at the last statement and his eyes narrow. He doesn’t say anything though. For once his witty rejoinders have run dry.

“I think we will stop today’s session there and you can think about what I’ve said. This is for you.” Adam hands him a thick book he has taken from a box at the side of his chair. “I want you to try to write in this every day until our next session, it should give us a starting point. Can you do that for me Tony?” 

“Sure can Doc,” he say, “I’ve been writing joined up since I was 5 years old, I’m fairly certain I can manage a diary.” Tony takes the book from Adam and smiles as he does so. The smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes though. “I’ll see myself out.” 

“Goodbye Tony, don’t forget to make your next appointment on your way out. Seven days or less!”


	3. Chapter 3

Loki stepped out of the building and into the bright mid afternoon sun. It seemed to him that it should be dark now. Surely hours had passed and not just the single hour he was scheduled to spend with the therapist. Shaking his head slightly he set off down the road. It was Tuesday so he didn’t have work to go to. He knew he should probably check in with his mother, she would want to know how the session went, but he just couldn’t face it yet. He felt heavy, almost as if the words that had left him had somehow left behind more weight than they themselves possessed. Wasn’t he supposed to feel lighter after this? 

As his thoughts rambled his feet took him down the familiar route to his favourite coffee shop. The girl behind the counter waved as he walked in and had already started making him his usual beverage by the time had had got to the counter. Benefits of coming to the same place almost every day for the last year. He chatted for a while and then took his drink to the back room. There was a large, purple, squishy armchair next to the fireplace that he sat in whenever it was free. It was large enough for him to comfortably tuck his feet underneath himself and balance a book on the arm. He proceeded to do just that after slipping his shoes off. Digging into the bottom of his bag he managed to find a couple of pens and he quickly scribbled on his napkin til he found one that worked.

So he was supposed to keep a diary. Loki stared at the first blank page as if it was going to suddenly reach out and bite him. He’d not kept a diary since he was twelve. Vividly he remembered Thor finding it and teasing him mercilessly for weeks for what he had written. After that it just didn’t seem worth writing anything down in secret. Instead he had excelled at his English lessons at school. Constantly being praised by his teachers for his creative compositions. But even those had dried up once he had left school. Sighing he touched the tip of the pen to the page and just left it there. A small spot of ink started to blossom out across the page. Sighing again he lifted the pen, not wanting to ruin the book. What on earth was he supposed to write about? He decided to start with how he had felt upon leaving the session and go from there.

Loki sat in the coffee shop for about three hours scribbling away. The girl from the counter brought him a new drink when she noticed his first was finished. He impatiently brushed his dark hair behind his ears whenever it fell in front of him obscuring his view of the page. Finally he sat back at tapped the pen against his lips. His hand hurt faintly and he realised with a shock it was cramped from holding the pen. Looking at his watch his was mildly horrified to see how much time had passed. What had started out as a dull description of the heavy feeling he had experienced upon leaving Adam had become a tale of the chair he was sat in. Of all the time he had found himself sat here alone with only a book for company. The happy times when he had stopped there on his way home from work with an exciting new find, the time he had sat here for hours staring at the same page after a fight with Thor, the first time he had come into the shop after that day. As Loki re-read what he had written it amazed him that this poor chair had not given up under the weight of his life. What must it be like to be a silent witness to so much? Realising that he should probably head home and call his mother Loki packed the book carefully into his bag and took his cup to the counter. Thanking the girl for the wonderful service as usual he threw some change in the tip jar and headed home. That night he called home and told his mother all about the session and the diary, though not what he had written. Frigga was relieved by how relaxed Loki sounded but was still saddened by his refusal to come to the family home for dinner. Strangely enough Loki felt ever so slightly regretful at turning down the invitation but he knew it was for the best. There was no way could he make small talk with his brother or father just yet.

The rest of the week continued in a similar fashion. Loki would go to work in a morning and then stop at the coffee shop on his way home for an hour or two and write in the diary. Sometimes he wrote just a few lines. Maybe a description of someone he had served at the bookshop, or a song he had heard which caught his attention. Other times he wrote pages of confused babble just trying to get the words out of his head and his heart and onto the page. Everyday he would call his mother, tell her he was all right (they both knew that these calls were to tell her he was alive) and tell her that he had been writing. She was delighted to hear that he was writing again even if he never told her what it was that he wrote. Occasionally Loki could hear his brother in the background asking Frigga to tell Loki that he missed him. Thor never asked to speak to him though. He seemed to understand that Loki was not ready to speak to him at all. 

Before he knew it Tuesday had come again and it was time for his second session.


	4. Chapter 4

Tony had his sunglasses on before he had even left the building. Years of protecting his eyes during horrific hangovers had made it second nature. He looked round and as expected his best friend was stood there waiting for him.

“Pepper baby tell me that is coffee you have there and that it is for me?” Tony held out his hands for the take out cup the blond woman in front of him was holding.

“It is and it is,” Pepper handed the cup over and opened the door to the car she was stood next to, “Come on, let’s get you home.”

Tony reluctantly followed her into the car. It’s not that he was opposed to being driven home more the going home part. He knew that Pepper only wanted to make sure he was ok but that kinda made him feel worse about all this. He hated when she worried and he could tell from the way she was looking at him that she was worried. 

“So what’s with the coffee and the ride Pep? Not that I am not eternally grateful of course.” Tony laid on the charm like he usually did, peering over the top of his glassed at her in a way he knew would make her smile.

“Well I just wanted to make sure that the session had gone ok. That you hadn’t killed your therapist and ended up in jail. You know, the usual.”

“You sure you don’t mean wanted to make sure I had gone to the session?” Tony hadn’t meant it to come out quite as snarky as it did. He winced and shrugged an apology at Pepper. 

“The thought has crossed my mind,” she replied. “I’m sorry Tony but it’s not like you wanted to go. You don’t have a great reputation for doing things when you’re supposed to.” She sighed. “I don’t want to pick a fight with you. You went to your session, I’m pleased you went and I wanted to make sure you were ok. That’s all there is to it. Ok?”

Tony looked at Pepper, saw the genuine concern in her eyes and gave in. “Yeah Pep, ok.” They lapsed into silence. Tony and Pepper had known each other for years so it was a very comfortable silence. She focused on driving them home while Tony just looked out of the window and let his mind wander. Not grabbing onto any of his thoughts but just letting them trickle through his mind like sand. In no time at all they were at his house. 

“You wanna come up?” He asked.

“I know you don’t really want me to so I’m gonna say no.” Pepper raised her hand to stop Tony protesting. “You want some time to lick your wounds, I can see that. Just, promise me you will eat something and not drown yourself in alcohol.”

“Yeah I promise.” He doesn’t quite meet her eyes. This is a game they’ve played before. He tries not to lie to her and she tries to believe him. Sometimes it actually works. 

“I’ll stop by in the morning on my way to work, make you breakfast.” Pepper grabs his hand as he leaves the car. “Be up by 8:30 ok?” Tony nods and kisses her on the cheek.

“You’re an angel Pepper.” he gives her a sweeping bow and she laughs at him. As she drives off Tony heads up the stairs to the front of his house and lets himself in. Heading straight for the kitchen he fixes himself a huge mug of coffee and pulls the diary out of his bag. A diary. He can’t honestly remember if he has ever kept a diary. Notebooks sure, full of maths and science and ideas for fantastical things but not a diary. Not somewhere to write about personal things. Where is he supposed to start? Staring out of the giant French windows his eyes are drawn to a bird nipping across the garden. He’s always been fascinated with birds. How he would love to be able to fly. To just be moving along above the world seeing everything. All of life reduced to patterns and tiny moving parts. It sounded blissful. Grabbing the book he dumped it on the kitchen table and went in search of a pen. Usually he just dictated things into a tiny machine and then hooked it up to his computer later. He’d written a program especially for his voice so the computer typed it all up flawlessly. So pens weren’t really something he had a huge use for. Finally he found one at the very back of the drawer where all the broken plugs and bits of electrical wire ended up.

He headed over to the table and sat down. Looking at the book he already felt uncomfortable. This is far too much like being at school. Looking around he shifts everything to the sofa and tried to get into a comfortable position, coffee mug on the floor, book balanced on his knee. Nope this wasn’t working either. Frustrated he picks up his mug again and heads into the basement. It’s half workshop, half science lab and all playground for Tony. This is where he builds and breaks all the crazy things that come into his head. This one room is more home than the rest of the house. If he’s honest with himself this one room is more home to him than anywhere else on the planet. Dropping the book onto the main work surface and carefully putting down his coffee he lets out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. His shoulders relax and he can feel himself letting the outside world go. Maybe this is what he should write about. How in this one room he is just Tony. Not Anthony Stark. Not Howard Stark’s son. Not the playboy, the genius, the screw up. Just Tony. 

So he does. He writes about the day he built this room and the day he nearly blew it up. How his father never stepped foot in here and even if he had wanted to Tony wouldn’t have let him. The only person other than him who gets to be in here is Pepper. He writes about the bird he saw and how he would make himself fly. He sketches rocket packs and jet engines then continues to write around the doodles. He writes about the promise to eat that he is going to break and the one about not drinking which he has already broken. There is always a bottle in the basement. He writes as if a damn has broken. Words just spilling out of him. The more he drinks the more he writes and even though he is starting to find it a little hard to focus on his writing it is still impeccable. He writes for hours about all the things he would never say to anyone and falls asleep in the basement slumped over the book. When Pepper arrives in the morning to make him breakfast he leaves the book on the table with a wrench on top of it as if to hold it shut against the secrets that are trying to escape. He doesn't touch it again before his next session.


	5. Chapter 5

Tuesday afternoon came around faster than Loki would have thought possible. As he walked up the stairs to Adam’s office he couldn’t decide if he was more nervous this week than he had been before. Deep down he knew that the first session had been easy and they were only going to get more difficult. He chewed his lip as he pushed open the door and walked up to the receptionist. He’d actually quite enjoyed this past week. It had been nice to be writing again. But telling his secrets to the page and telling them to a person were two very different things. In a few moments Adam had opened the door and was ushering him in. Loki unfolded his long legs from the chair and walked into his office.

“Please Loki, take a seat.” Adam waves to the sofa opposite his chair. “How have you been this week?”

“I’ve been well.” He knew it was a shorter answer than the therapist wanted but he just couldn’t find the words. He tried again. “I’ve been very well really, it’s been a good week.”

“That is excellent news.” Adam smiled at him and Loki found himself smiling hesitantly back. “Did you write every day like I asked?”

“Actually I did.” Loki took the book from his bag and held it out for Adam. The therapist shook his head.

“I don’t want to read what you have written. What we will do is use this book to help us jump start these sessions and the to help you work through things after them. I may ask you to read bits out occasionally but that is all.”

Loki rested the book on his knee, unconsciously pressing it closed with his hands. Read bits out. He’d never imagined that he would have to share the contents of the book in such an intimate manner. 

“In fact, since you currently look like a rabbit in headlights I think we should get that out of the way right now.” Adam smiled at him again. “It won’t be that bad I promise. 

“I do not look like a rabbit in headlights!” Loki snapped, his green eyes flashing. “Though I will admit to being a bit nervous. What do you want me to read?”

“Just pick a paragraph, anything you like. Just a piece you like.” Adam got up to get them both a glass of water sensing that Loki would like a moment to find a piece to read.

Loki started to flick through the pages, suddenly really annoyed that he had written so much. It made choosing something that much harder.

Adam placed the glass in front of him and asked if he had found something. Loki nodded and licked his lips nervously. Adam smiled at him encouragingly.

“I always felt guilty when Thor and I fought. It didn’t matter who’s fault it was he always managed to look so wounded that I would feel guilty. I hated him for that. I wanted to be angry at him and ended up being angry at myself. He’s the favoured son and that is that. “ Loki stopped. There was more to that paragraph but he couldn’t read on. The words had blurred in front of him and he was dangerously close to crying. He closed the book and took a drink from the glass of water.

Adam spoke softly, “That was good Loki, you’ve given us good place to start. Let’s have a look at your relationship with your brother.”

Loki snorted slightly. “I don’t think you can call what we have a relationship anymore.”

“So tell me what it is then.” Adam insisted.

Loki rolled his eyes and stretched himself out over the sofa. He might as well be comfortable if he was going to have to talk about Thor.

“We used to be really close. When we were little we would do everything together. Our mother referred to us as the sunbeam and the shadow. As we got older we started to drift apart. Thor was into his sports and roughhousing with his friends. I preferred to be left alone with a book. I’ve never been particularly popular so my friends were really Thor’s friends. But I don’t think they ever understood why he wanted me tagging along. I never wanted to join in their mad schemes and was always threatening to tell the adults on them. Eventually it became clear that he would have to choose between his friends or me, he couldn’t keep defending me to them. Of course he chose his friends. Looking back I can’t say I expected him to do anything else. So I pulled into myself more, became more distanced from Thor and everyone else.” 

Loki paused and took a sip of his water. It was hard to tell the story. Hard to be objective. He knew that Adam didn’t really want him to be objective but there was no way was he ready to let these walls down yet.

“Things changed irrevocably when we went to university. When you go and register you have to take identification with you, your birth certificate and things. Our parents sat us down and said that they had our certificates for us but there was something else they needed to tell us. They gave Thor his but held on to mine. God, my Mother was crying and I had no idea why. I remember reaching over and snatching the certificate from her hands and reading it. Her name wasn’t on it. Nor was my father's. I dropped it and Thor picked it up. He read it and the first words out of his stupid mouth were, He’s not my brother? I know he didn’t mean anything by it, I really do know that now, but it made me so mad.”

Loki was shaking now though he was trying to hide it by clasping his hands together. His eyes were shining and it was clear to Adam that he was holding back tears.

“Finish the story Loki, you need to get to the end.” 

Loki looked up angrily, “What else is there to say? My family lied to me my whole life. I wasn’t their son. I wasn’t Thor's brother. They had been unable to have the second child they wanted and so they adopted me. Had I not wanted to go to university they might never have told me. Suddenly I had no idea who I was and I felt betrayed.” Loki’s voice had risen to almost a shout but his eyes stayed rooted firmly on his feet. “I felt betrayed,” he whispered.

“Well done,” Adam said. “Clearly you’ve been trying to repress the anger you feel towards your parents and brother. You are allowed to be angry with them. There is nothing wrong with it. Do you understand?”

Loki looked up at him but didn’t respond.

“Do you understand Loki? You are allowed to be angry.”

“I, I guess so,” Loki stuttered.

“Good. Ok I think we will end it there. I would like you to write in the diary again every day if you can. I think it would be helpful if you can focus on what we have discussed today, see where that takes you, ok?”

Loki nodded. He felt wrung out and would have agreed to almost anything to be able to leave that room right now.

“Ok, go make your next appointment and I’ll see you in a week. And Loki,” Loki looked up at Adam, “Please talk to someone over the week if you need to. Call our number if you can’t get anyone else. Don’t let yourself be alone if you need someone ok?”

Loki nodded again and packed his things away. All he wanted to do right now was go home and cry until he fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Tony arrived at Adam’s office hungover and wishing he could be anywhere else. He was only here because Pepper had called him that morning and made him promise. Why that mattered he wasn’t sure but he was here now. Tired and in pain and really not wanting to talk. He walked into the office, put his book on the table and curled up on the sofa. It was his intention to spend the entire hour in this position with his mouth shut.

“Ok then Tony, let’s get this session started. Did you write in the diary like I asked?” Adam launched straight into it. Tony shrugged but didn’t say anything. He really did not want to get into the diary right now.

“Come on Tony, you can’t just spend the session silent. Well, I suppose you could but you’re not going to. The courts said you have to come here. If you spend the sessions refusing to engage with me then I will count that as you not being here.”

“Oh come on Adam!” Tony yelled finally looking at him. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to talk about all this shit. There is nothing you can do to fix me ok.” Tony snarled his hair in his hand making it crazier than normal. His eyes were bloodshot and deeply shadowed. He looked like he hadn’t slept all week which wasn’t far from the truth.

“How do you know I can’t fix you? You are never going to know what you can achieve here if you don’t try. Look, let’s try and work through this as best as we can ok? Read me a section from what you wrote. You did write?”

By this time Tony was stood at the window, his shoulders stooped and his hands in his pockets. He nods slightly in answer but didn't move. There was no need for him to pick up the book. He knows the part he’s going to share. There is only one part that he is comfortable sharing. He takes a deep breath and starts talking.

“I always wanted to fly. I spent hours watching birds and planes and trying to figure out how I could manage it myself. I made myself wings from scraps I found in my dad’s workshop and jumped out of a tree. Needless to say I broke my arm and had some truly spectacular bruises. Dad was not impressed. I’ve spent my whole life learning about science and technology and done pretty darn well for myself but I’ve never managed to make myself fly.”

Tony sat back down and looked at the floor. He remembered that day. How it felt for that brief moment when he threw himself out of the tree. There were maybe two seconds before gravity caught him and he knew what it was like to fly. He had been free from everything. No one was watching him. No one was measuring against his father. He wasn’t worrying about if his father was proud of him. All that mattered was the air underneath him and the sky above. Of course that had all ended when he’d hit the ground. It was the first time he had felt real pain and it shook him. He lay on the floor with the tatters of his wings around him and stared at the blood running down his arm as if it didn’t belong to him. His first glimpse at mortality and his first reckless accident. 

Tony hadn’t realised that he’d been speaking out loud until Adam asked him, 

“It wasn’t your last reckless accident though, was it?”

Tony looked up, startled. Had he really just said all that? Really just let someone hear real feeling from him? Apparently so.

“No doc, it wasn’t. But then I’ve always been adventurous,” he smirked. “That’s never changed. I went from jumping out of trees to racing fast cars and faster women. But still reckless all the way.”

“Why is that do you think?” Adam asked, smiling when Tony gave him a disgusted look.

“Aw come on, that is such a corny question! You want me to say it’s because my daddy never loved me? That I had something to prove? That I wanted to be different from my father? Yeah it could be any of those things. It could also be because I’m a genius who was bored senseless with nothing to challenge me. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care.” He gave Adam a mulish look, kicking the sofa slightly with his heels.

“What do you care about Tony?”

It was said softly but it was like a slap in the face to Tony. What did he care about? It shouldn’t have been a hard question. Surely there were people and things he cared about. What made him happy?

“I care about Pepper and building things.” Tony paused, “and I care about my liquor cabinet.” 

“Is that really it?”

“What’s up doc, you don’t think that’s enough? Pepper is my best friend. She doesn’t want to sleep with me, doesn’t care about my family and thinks I am brilliant. She picks me up when I fall down and always arrives with coffee. She is the only reason I am here today. I like building things. I like taking something from a tiny idea in my head and making it work. I kinda like it when it fails or doesn’t quite turn out right since I have to tinker and fiddle. I spend most of my waking hours trying to understand how things are put together and how to make them better. And I love my alcohol. I love that I stop thinking when it’s there, that everything goes quiet. It helps my brain to slow down when I need it to.”

Tony looked at his shoes again. He was defending his answer but he knew it was lame. How could he have gotten to a point in his life where his work, one friend and alcohol was all he had? He slumped back down on the sofa and threw his legs over the end. The ceiling was white and plain and gave him nothing to distract himself from that awful question. What did he care about? If you asked anyone who knew him they would probably say he cared about nothing. Why else would he cause trouble like he did, refuse to make any kind of committed relationships and generally keep himself isolated?

“Look doc, I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what I care about. I’ve never really thought about it I guess. I just go day to day and that is all. I’ve never had to think beyond that. You know my family right? Stark Industries is huge, my trust fund is massive and no one cares what I do. My parents are dead. Pepper loves me dearly and has stayed friends with me despite my monumental screw ups. Up until the incident that landed me here I’ve never gotten into too much trouble.” Tony looks over at Adam and sighs. “I just get on with each day, what more do you want?”

“What I want Tony is for you to be able to live your life alongside others and to be happy. Currently you are not doing either of those things. I think I understand now where we need to be taking these sessions. I know you have hated every moment of today but it has been productive I promise you.”

Tony snorted at that but Adam ignored him and continued.

“We’re done for today. You can go make your next appointment now. Please try and keep writing in the diary. I’m going to want to go through it a bit more with you next time. Let’s see if we can focus on things you like, maybe even care about. Ok?”

Tony shrugged but he picked the book back up before leaving the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki walked home in a daze. He paid no attention to anything or anyone, just putting one foot in front of the other and letting autopilot take over. He felt wrung out, as if he’d run a marathon or climbed a mountain. He certainly didn’t feel like he’d spent an hour sat on a fairly comfortable sofa talking. No, this exhaustion spoke of huge effort. It said, I have worked and toiled and struggled. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that but one thing he knew for certain was that he did not want to feel like this. Not now, not ever. 

When he finally reached home he went straight upstairs and ran a bath. Making it as hot as he could stand Loki pretty much ripped his clothes from his body and got in. His thin frame turned pink almost instantly as he lowered himself into the scalding water. He laid back, his head half underwater so all sounds reached him through the barrier of the water. He breathed the steam filled air deep into his lungs and exhaled sharply. Once, twice. And then he started to sob. There were no tears just a tearing sound pouring from his throat. He allowed all the anger he had felt during his session to pour from him in a string of broken sounds. 

The water had cooled by the time he felt able to move again. As he sat up out of the water his skin pebbled with gooseflesh and he realised he would have to get up, get dry and get on with the evening. He’d not called his mother like he always did after his sessions and he knew she’d be worried. He certainly didn’t want to cause her any alarm but he found it hard to really make himself care. But he was cold and sitting in a bath full of cooling water was not going to make that any better. Loki pulled the plug and stepped out of the bath. He dried himself thoroughly and wrapped a thick bathrobe around himself. It was still early in the evening but there was no way was he leaving the house so getting dressed again didn’t seem worth it. 

When his mother picked up the phone he could hear the relief in her voice. If he closed his eyes he could see her face, the pinched lines at the corners of her eyes relaxing as she heard his voice. 

“Oh Loki, you had me worried,” she declared. Loki made a noncommittal noise but did not apologise. “Is everything ok?”

"Yes mother, everything is ok. Today’s session was.....difficult to say the least. I just needed some time to think is all.” Loki pushed his wet hair out of his eyes as he spoke. If he was honest with himself he needed a lot more time to think.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” His mother asked.

“Not really. Not yet. I will, one day. But not now mother. I, I can’t. I just...I can’t” Loki’s voice broke then and he finished in a whisper.

“It’s ok son, you don’t have to tell me anything. Ok? As long as you are ok that is all I care about.” His mother’s soft voice made the tension start to ease from Loki’s shoulders. She’d always had that effect on him. They chatted for a few minutes more about inconsequential things, just content to be talking to one another. Thor's voice appeared in the background eventually and he asked his mother to tell Loki to come home soon, he missed him. Instead of ignoring this as usual Loki hesitated.

“Mother? Tell Thor, tell him I miss him too.” Loki bit his lip, those words had been harder to say than he would have thought possible.

“You could tell him yourself you know,” Frigga replied softly.

“I don’t think I can,” Loki admitted.

“Then I shall tell him.” 

They ended the call after that and Loki went to find himself some food. He was starving and exhausted. Making a quick meal he ate and then went to bed. It was still light outside but his lids were heavy and soon he was fast asleep.

When he woke his head was muzzy as if he’d been drinking. It felt incredibly unfair to have a hangover without the pleasure of drinking! Loki got out of bed, threw on a robe and went in search of breakfast. While the coffee brewed he reached for the diary. He had no real desire to think about yesterday at all but as much as it pained him he knew that it was the only way he would really heal. Turning to a clean page he started to write. He went back to that day. The day when his whole world had just been pulled out from underneath him. The day he stopped knowing who he was.

It really had been just an ordinary day. He and Thor were mooching around the house driving each other nuts. The usual nit picking at each other they had always done. Loki using his intelligence to insult Thor while Thor retaliated with his fists. They never really hurt each other, just jabbed and jibed. And then their parents had sat them down, told them they had important things to say to them. Odin did most of the talking. He told them of how hard Frigga’s pregnancy with Thor had been. How it had left her unable to bear another child. He spoke of how much they had both longed for another baby. Frigga produced Loki’s birth certificate and passed it to him. The names written there were not hers and Odin’s. It was Odin who had actually said the words you are adopted. Loki sat in silence while they tried to explain why they had not told him. How they had thought it for the best. They loved him as if he were their flesh and blood so why should this piece of paper matter? It was that which finally broke Loki’s silence. He had looked the man who claimed to be his father in the eye and told him that it mattered. He had screamed at them that it mattered. Frigga had burst into tears and Thor was imploring Loki to calm down. Thor looked almost as shell-shocked as Loki did but it was his mother’s tears that made him calm down. Made him go to her and hug her. Made him tell her he loved her. When Odin had asked if he was all right Loki had simply said yes but refused to meet his eye. Just as he refused to speak of it again. Whenever any of them tried to raise the subject Loki would shut down, refuse to talk. Soon they all gave up trying. 

Loki reached for his coffee and took a swig, grimacing as he realised it had gone cold. He’d been writing for well over an hour. Good job he had gotten up early today really. Closing the book he got ready for work and headed over to the bookshop. He’d worked there since finishing university and he loved it. It specialised in old and rare books and he worked there are both a sales assistant and an expert. The shop always smelled of old paper and was usually peaceful. Even on a day busy with customers it never felt hectic. People with an interest in old books rarely seemed capable of hectic. His father had thought this job was beneath him. That he should join his brother in the family business. But business was not for Loki. He liked dealing with the customers, researching and valuing the books and being able to spend time with this much history. To run his fingers over it and feel the time and love beneath them. He often wondered what the books had seen in their lifetimes, what secrets they could tell. Would they remember him?

The day passed with nothing to separate it from the others. One particularly handsome but clueless customer made him both smile and shudder with his lack of understanding for the books. Otherwise it was a perfectly ordinary day. He went home and wrote about his thoughts on the books observing history. He thought of how little Thor cared for books and how he had been mocked by his brother since they were small for his devotion to them. The memory made him smile. The following day after work he went to the coffee shop. He couldn’t muster the interest to go shopping and had no food in at home. A snack, some good coffee and a bit of writing might bolster him for what he always thought of as the weekly ordeal. His usual seat was taken by a couple that looked vaguely familiar so he grabbed the other armchair by the window. 

What to write about this time. He was supposed to be focusing on his feelings towards his family. Maybe now, in a public place, was the perfect time to think about how betrayed he had felt. He was unlikely to have a breakdown here. Loki sighed and tucked his hair behind his ears. The black strands were actually long enough to stay there now, a fact he was extremely grateful for. Betrayed. That was the word he had used. It certainly felt that way. The people he cared about the most had lied to him his whole life. How else was he supposed to feel? If only Thor had gone to university the year before rather than taking a gap year he would have found out then! It was all so stupid. Why hadn’t they told him? It wasn’t as if they could keep it hidden forever. Eventually the truth would have come out. What did they gain from lying to him? Directing these questions at the page was no good. The page could not answer him, only bear witness to his longing for an answer. Deep down Loki knew he was going to have to ask his parents. If he was ever going to get his head straight on these things it was the only way.


	8. Chapter 8

When Tony left his session the last person he wanted to see was Pepper. He couldn’t hide things from her and her very much wanted to hide right now. But, since the universe didn’t much care what Tony wanted Pepper was waiting outside with a large coffee as usual. She started to speak as she handed him the cup but stopped before the first word was formed. Handing him the cup in silence she opened the door to the car and let Tony step past her and get inside. The whole trip to his house was done in absolute silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly but it certainly wasn’t the usual companionable silence they were able to share. Pepper stopped the car outside Tony’s house but he didn’t notice. He was staring out of the window as he had been since they set off.

“Tony,” Pepper said gently, “we’re here.” He looked at her as if she had spoken another language. “We’re at your house Tony. Look.” Pepper pointed to his house and Tony turned to look.

“Oh. Yeah. That’s great Pep, thanks.” Tony unbuckled himself and started to get out of the car.

“Look Tony I don’t want to pry but are you sure you should be on your own right now? You look like you’ve just been through a war zone. I could stay, maybe fix you some dinner.” Pepper looked at him with concern in her eyes.

“I’m sorry Pep, I just, I’m not gonna be great company ok. We could do dinner tomorrow, how’s than?” Tony squeezed her arm then got out of the car and headed into the house. Pepper stared at the door for a moment and then started the car. She’d go round first thing in the morning and tend to his hangover. There was no point pretending to herself that he wasn’t going to have one. If she knew Tony at all she could guarantee that tonight was going to be a Tony Stark Special.

She was right of course. Tony had barely got into the house before he was reaching for a bottle from the liquor cabinet he had mentioned to Adam. Pouring himself a generous measure of whisky he downed the glass in one. He poured a second one and headed upstairs, glass in one hand and bottle in the other. It was four in the afternoon. Drinking the second glass as he made his way to his bedroom he’d finished it by the time he had the door closed. He poured a third glass, set the bottle down and headed to his bathroom. Dropping clothes as he went he was naked by the time he made it to the bathroom. He took his glass into the shower with him and managed to avoid diluting the whisky down too much. He drank a fourth while drying off. He finished off his fifth just as he finished getting dressed. Feeling warm and mellow he called for a taxi and headed out to one of his favourite bars.

Going to a bar alone was not an unusual occurrence for Tony. Leaving alone was and he had no intention of doing that this evening. Feeling reckless and wanting so very much to not think about anything his plans were simple. Drink lots, find a pretty lady, and go home. Now you would have thought that at 5pm it was far too early to be starting this sort of evening. But in the city 5pm is kick out time at most offices and the bars just start filling up with people bored from a day at a desk who are looking for a little bit of excitement. With a sharp suit, mussed hair and eyelashes to die for Tony certainly fitted the bill. It wasn’t long before he was buying the blond at his side a glass of wine and pretending to listen as she prattled about her job. He downed whisky like it was water and prayed for the moment when he could ask her to come home with him.

They kissed feverishly in the taxi back to Tony’s place. His hands slid up her back and into her hair, holding her possessively. Inside he peeled her dress from her skin as if he were unravelling a puzzle. He traced patterns onto her skin with fingertips and lips. Listening to every sound she made and noticing ever twitch and movement Tony had her begging and still he did not let up. Finally he understood the exact combination required and she came, breathing his name into his shoulder. In the morning he made her breakfast and paid for her taxi home. He didn’t ask for her number and didn’t offer his own. He didn’t even remember her name.

At 10am Pepper rang the doorbell. Tony answered and taking one look at him Pepper knew exactly how the night had gone.

“How many Tony?” She asked him.

“How many what, whiskies or lovers?” He replied carelessly.

“Both,” she replied smartly, smiling at him. 

“I believe it was ten whiskies and it was definitely just the one lover.” Tony drank his coffee, not quite meeting Pepper’s eyes.

“Male or female?” Tony looked at her then, slightly wide eyed. “Oh come on Tony I’ve known you for what, 15 years, I know you like both. Your specials are usually women but a few men make the grade.” 

Tony shook his head in exasperation. He really couldn’t keep anything from Pepper. “It was a she. Before you ask I have no idea what her name was. Yes I made her breakfast, scrambled eggs on toast if you’re interested. Yes I paid for her taxi home. I might be a shit but at least I’m a gentlemanly one.” 

Pepper reached over the counter and took his hand. “You are not a shit Tony. You just don’t let anyone in.”

Tony looked up at her then, his eyes sad but his mouth smiling. “Can we go out somewhere today? I need.....”

“What Tony, what do you need? You can tell me, you know you can.”

“I need to find things I care about. I don’t know anymore. That’s what came out of my session yesterday. I care about building things, you and my liquor cabinet apparently. It can’t always have been like this. So, can we go out, find me something to care about?”

His voice had trailed off to almost a whisper but Pepper still heard him. “Sure Tony, I know just the place.”

She took him to her favourite bookshop. It was a large shop but it felt small. Jam packed with shelves and stacks each aisle was small enough for the place to feel crowded without it actually being difficult to move around. It carried old books and new, fiction and textbooks. There were old, cracked leather sofas in the back room where people could peruse items before buying them. Pepper told him that when she first met him, back when they were just 10 years old, it was days before she knew what the bottom half of his face looked like. He always had his nose in a book. Tony wondered at when he had stopped reading. He walked around the shop, occasionally taking a book down and looking through it. Shakespeare, theoretical physics, mythology. So much knowledge in one small space. So much that he didn’t know or understand. It was a long time since he had felt as if he had things to learn. He took a stack of books to the till and was almost too involved in his purchases to notice the man serving him. Almost, but not quite. Tony studied the man as he carefully packed the books into a sturdy paper bag. His hair was black, much darker than Tony’s dark brown. His eyes were a startling shade of green, made more so by how pale his skin was. He had sharp cheekbones and his hands were fine boned too. His voice was soft and carefully polite. All in all it was a very successful shopping trip.

After they had left the shop they headed back to Tony’s house and Pepper made them lunch. She kissed his cheek when she left and promised to collect him tomorrow evening and take him to the place she bought the coffee she brought to his sessions.

Tony spent most of that evening in his workshop. When he told Adam he was a genius he wasn’t exaggerating. He graduated with advanced degrees in physics and engineering at the age of 21 and went on to study artificial intelligence and quantum mechanics. He soaked up knowledge like a sponge and liked nothing more that taking something apart and putting it back together. He was currently trying to build an AI system for his home. Eventually he wanted it to be able to run everything, from opening doors to getting his coffee going. It was going well but progress was slow. But Tony was enjoying every second of it. He felt useful. Sure he was building this thing to make his life easier but he could see how it could be applied in homes and businesses to make other people’s lives easier too. He was hoping that he would be able to use Stark Industries to get his technology into the world. That would have made his dad proud. But he wasn’t going to think about this dad now. That way only lead to the whiskey and he was determined to have a sober night. He worked through until 6am and only quit then after he slipped with a screwdriver and took a chunk out of his hand. Maybe tools and lack of sleep did not go together. He dragged himself to bed and slept solidly for 10 hours. He could probably have gone a few more but the doorbell was ringing in that insistent way it had. 

Tony stumbled down the stairs and opened the door to be greeted by the sight of Pepper. She laughed at his crazy bed hair.

“Up all night again? I’m guessing from the lack of bloodshot eyes that it was a night in the workshop not in a bar.” She pushed him gently back into the house and towards the stairs. “Shower, now. Then I’ll take you for coffee.” 

Tony visibly perked up at the mention of coffee. Getting though the shower in record time he threw on black jeans and an old AC/DC t-shirt. He was back at Pepper’s side in 15 minutes flat looking like an eager puppy that’s been promised a walk. Pepper led the way and told him they’d walk to the coffee shop. She smiled at the face he pulled but refused to give in. Ten minutes later they were there.

“How can there be a place that serves coffee this good so close to my house and me not know it?” Tony marvelled.

“Err maybe because you only leave your house to go to bars.” Pepper replied snarkily. “That book shop I took you to yesterday is only another 10 minutes further along from here. If you broke it all down into 10 minute walks you’d discover a lot you know.”

“Ha ha. You know you’re not funny right?” Tony nudged her towards to door. “Come on, I’ve been out of bed at least half an hour now and I’ve not had caffeine, I’m gonna go into shock here. I’m also starving!”

They joined the queue, ordered two obscenely large coffees and the biggest chocolate muffin that Tony had ever laid eyes on. Heading round into the back room they found a couple of comfy chairs next to the fireplace. They were purple and squishy and after sitting down Tony decided he had to smuggle them back to his place somehow. 

“So if I ask you how you’re doing am I likely to get an honest answer?” Pepper reached over and tore off a bit of muffin.

“I’d love to say no and end it there but I get the feeling that might upset you.” Tony slapped her hand as she leant in to steal more muffin. “Get your own chocolaty goodness Pep this is mine.” He grinned at her and broke the muffin in half passing her the plate and taking half for himself. “I’m ok. I hate these sessions. I hate talking about stuff. I loathe the stupid diary I’ve got to keep. I’m almost tempted to go back to the courts and tell them to lock me up. It would be easier than this.”

He sighed heavily and looked up at Pepper through his thick eyelashes. A move guaranteed to make anyone but Pepper feel a little bit weak at the knees.

“I’m 25 years old and I’ve spent most of those trying not to think about who I am or why I do anything I do. I don’t want to think about what my life is lacking and I don’t want to be analysed. I do the analysing and the figuring out, no one gets to do it to me.”

“So do it then.” Tony looked at her blankly. “If you don’t want this guys analysing you do it yourself. Go into your sessions having already pulled a chunk of yourself apart, looked at it and put it back together. Debate with him, argue with him, but go in there already having at least the beginnings of the knowledge he wants you to reach. Maybe then you won’t feel so defenceless.”

Tony silently handed her the rest of his muffin. “That was inspired Pep.” She blushed slightly. Tony smiled at her but movement out of the corner of his eye made him look, just for a moment, over her shoulder. His eyes flickered for a mere moment but Pepper noticed. 

“Who have you spotted?” She grinned. “Start describing or I will turn around and stare.” She started to turn her shoulders slightly and Tony grabbed her leg to stop her.

“Jeez Pep, are we still 12?’ He shook his head laughing. “If you must know it’s the guy from the book store, the one who works there. I think we might be sat in his usual seat. Just something about the way he walked round the corner. He was definitely heading here. He’s sat by the window instead.” Tony looked over at Pepper, “He would make the grade.” Pepper gasped at him and Tony smirked.

“Well he is pretty, I’ll give you that. So Mr Stark, is that your type?” She said it in a light manner but the question was sincere. She’d know for years that Tony liked men as much as women but never asked him about it. When it came to women he really didn’t seem to have a type. Willing and not clingy seemed to be the only real requirements. She wondered if it was the same for men.

“Yeah I guess he is. Dark hair, pale skin, striking eyes. Have you seen his hands? I bet he plays piano or something.” Tony quirked his lips. “He’s definitely hot.”

Pepper giggled at that. “Fifteen years and that is the most I have ever heard you say about someone you find attractive. I think you might be falling in love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning guys. There is depiction of self harm in this chapter. If this bothers you at all please be take care.

The weekly ordeal had been just as horrible as he expected. Shopping for food has always filled Loki with a ridiculous amount of horror. How walking up and down aisles selecting goods could be quite so traumatic he was wasn’t sure but it was. He tried to do it as quickly as possible which is why he always went in armed with a list. If it wasn’t on the list it didn’t get bought, it was that simple. That way he could get his head down, nip up and down the aisles grabbing what he needed and get out of there. Simple really. Once he’d purchased his goods he grabbed a taxi home. It wasn’t that far and usually he walked everywhere but he always got a taxi when he shopped. He didn’t drive. His father had wanted to pay for him to learn as he had done for Thor but Loki preferred to walk and loved public transport. It was the perfect place to observe people which was something he loved to do. Many people thought he was crazy for not wanting to drive. They couldn’t imagine not having that freedom. Loki thought of it less as a lack of freedom and more as having to find the more adventurous route to his destination.

Once he was home he turned on his computer and set some music playing, something relaxing by Schubert and put the shopping away. His kitchen was laid out very meticulously with everything having its home. That done he set about fixing himself a meal. He’d had a muffin at the coffee shop and lord knows those things could feed an army but he was still hungry. He wasn’t one for pre-packaged food and since he was peckish rather than starving he made himself cheese on toast. When he’d finished eating he grabbed his diary and re-read the last few paragraphs. He sighed. Was he really going to broach this subject with his parents? Was he really ready to face this? He thought about it for a moment. The answer was no but he was smart enough to realise he wasn’t going to get anywhere if he didn’t. What was the saying? Can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs? 

He took the phone from its cradle and typed in his mother’s number. He’d always thought of it as his mother’s rather than his parent’s. Even before the incident he has been much closer to this mother than his father. So with that in mind he decided to start with his mother. He was aware that it was an odd conversation to want to have over the phone but he knew there was no way could he do it face to face. Frigga would only have to look at him with hurt in her eyes and he would clam up. He hated hurting his mother. The phone rang 4 times before she picked up.

“Mother, it’s Loki.”

“Loki! Twice in a week, I am honoured. Is everything ok?” Her voice turned slightly worried as she realised that him calling twice was an odd occurrence. 

“Yes I’m fine. I just needed to talk to you was all.”

“Needed not wanted. Well it certainly sounds serious son. Should I be sitting down?” Her tone was light but Loki could picture her face. She would have her eyes closed. Her fingers would be curled into the phone cord.  
“You should but only because it might be a long call.” Loki took a deep breath. “I want to talk to you about the adoption.” It came out in one long word almost as if he wanted to spit the words from his mouth because they tasted bad.

“I see. Would you like to come over? Or I could come to you?”

“I don’t think I can’t do this face to face mother. I, I’ll get upset and you’ll get upset and we won’t get to the end and I need to have this conversation. Does that make sense?” He bit his lip while he waited for her answer.

"I understand Loki. Ok let me just fetch my cup of tea.’ Frigga put the phone down and Loki could hear her walking into the sitting room. He heard the scrape of the small armchair that was in the hallway underneath where the phone was hooked on the wall. Then the sound of her picking up the receiver again. “I’m ready son,” she said, “what do you need to know?”

Loki paused. Now that he was faced with actually talking about it words failed him. What did he need to know? What questions did he want answering? Where should he start?

“Did you think you were never going to have to tell me?” The question came out harsh and Loki regretted the intake of breath he heard Frigga take. But he knew there was really no getting through this without some tough breaths and probably tears. 

“No, we always knew we would have to tell you. I did suggest to your father early on that we tell you from the start but he counselled against it. Thor was barely two, he wasn’t going to remember the circumstances of you joining our family. He said it would be easier on you as a child if you didn’t know. It made sense to me.” She paused for a moment, clearly taking a sip of her tea. “As time went by I came to agree with him. You and Thor were so different that surely giving you something else that set you apart would only hurt you. Oh my son,” Frigga laughed softly, “you were always so intent on matching your brother. The bruises you would come home with from scrapes, which had just bounced off him. You just were not happy being Loki you wanted to be Thor two.”

Loki snorted.

“You can make noises all you like son, you did. Then when you turned maybe eleven that all changed. It was like your skin fit you all of a sudden. You realised that Thor was Thor and you were Loki. You fell into your studies with a passion. The two of you blossomed into such different flowers and I was such a proud mother." She took another sip of her tea. “Your father and I spoke again about telling you but I was so pleased to see you finding yourself and liking what you found that I didn’t want to say anything. I realise now that you weren’t happy at all. I should have known, I should have seen it.”

“Please don’t mother.” Loki interrupted her. “Please don’t blame yourself for not seeing what I was doing. I know well enough now that even if you had it wouldn’t have stopped me. I would have just hidden it better.” Neither of them actually said the words. They both knew the subject they were discussing but neither wanted to say those words. It was much easier not to meet the hurt head on.

“If you say so Loki. I will always feel that I should have known. But we’ll leave that for the moment.” Loki knew from the way she said this that he was going to be having another uncomfortable conversation in the near future. “We held our peace and let you grow. Then all of a sudden you were grown. You were leaving me to fill your head with knowledge and we had to tell you. And we had no idea how.” Frigga sighed. “How do you tell someone that you’ve kept the truth from them for 18 years? I won’t say lied to you. I know that is how you see it but we never lied to you. You are our son!” Her voice rose on the last word. Not a shout, Frigga almost never shouted. But the slight rise in volume was enough to let Loki know that she had her fierce face on. “You were six months old when I got to take you home. Such a tiny thing you were. You looked up at me with these huge green eyes and I knew that you were my son just as surely as I had when they laid Thor on my breast. But we had kept the truth from you. By blood you were not ours. We knew we had to tell you before you went as you needed your birth certificate. We decided to give it to you and go from there. You would direct how we dealt with it. We figured that no matter what we said it could be taken badly.”

Frigga lapsed into silence. Loki unclenched the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. He hadn’t realised that he had been clenching it. Four half moon welts appeared on his palm where his nails had been digging in. He licked his lips.

“I understand.” He stopped and thought about what he had said. “No actually I don’t understand. But I think I will, one day.” He stopped again.

“Tell me what you are thinking son,” Frigga asked. “This can’t be one sided surely.”

“I’m....I’m angry. Truly I’m furious. That you thought so little of me as a child. That you felt that I would crumble under this knowledge.” Loki hesitated for a moment. “I’m saddened that you didn’t think me able to understand that you loved me enough for me to not care about a piece of paper. Because that is all it is to you and....and Father. It’s a piece of paper. It doesn’t make me less your son. It doesn’t matter. But deep down you must have known it mattered. You must have known or you wouldn’t have lied to me. To Thor.” Loki’s voice had dropped to barely more than a whisper. It was taking everything he had not to cry right now. He was so grateful to his mother for how calmly she had explained everything to him that he didn’t want to ruin it now. He’d have his breakdown later.

“Oh Loki it wasn’t like that,” Frigga exclaimed.

“Well, I think we are going to continue to disagree on this one mother. Maybe one day we won’t. I don’t want to argue about it though. I think we should take baby steps on this subject, don’t you?” His voice had taken on that slightly stilted quality it always did when he was backing away from a conversation. Frigga had heard it many times and she sighed inwardly as she realised that this was all she was going to get out of her son tonight.

“Maybe you’re right. Baby steps are good. They still get you to the end of the road, it just takes longer. Is there anything else you want to know now?”

“Not at the moment thank you. I think I’ve got enough to be working with for now. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you mother, it wasn’t my intention.”

“Oh fie! I can cope with a little bit of upset Loki. I’m not made of glass like you all think. You upset me all you need to if it helps you.” Her voice softened slightly, “I just want you happy and whole, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

The sincerity in her voice had Loki biting his lip again. This was why he loved his mother. Why he still has no problem thinking of her as his mother. This protectiveness she felt for him. She has been the same as long as he could remember. Reprimanding Thor when Odin only laughed at his boisterousness. Buying Loki books without batting an eyelid when other boys his age wanted video games. Defending Loki when told his father that he did not want to go into the family business. Understanding quietly when Loki didn’t bring any girlfriends home. She loved him, of this he had not doubt and never had. 

“Thank you mother,” he said quietly. “I’d better go. I’m going to do what the good doctor would like and write in my diary for a bit before bed. Thank you for this evening.”

“I love you Loki. Thank you for finally starting to talk to me about this. You will again, yes?” 

“I will Mother, goodnight.”

“Goodnight son.”

They ended the call and for an instant they looked exactly the same though neither of them knew it. Sat with eyes closed, one hand still on the phone breathing deeply. Frigga rose, hung up the phone and put the chair back in its usual position. She took her teacup into the kitchen and stared out of the window while she rinsed it. She was deeply distressed though she would never tell anyone. What she had said earlier about not seeing that her youngest son was unhappy was true. Looking back on it she could see the times he had hurt himself. She could see all the clues that said when he was going to do it. Hindsight was 20/20. She knew that he was going to hurt himself tonight. She could hear it in his voice. There was nothing she could do about it and that scared her more than she cared to admit. But she knew that if she had said anything to him it would only make it worse. He was fighting this demon, of that she was sure. He was the only one who could. She would just have to be there to help where she could. A mother’s most important job is to be there to pick up the pieces. It was just harder to do when the one breaking her son was himself.

Loki stared at the diary his thoughts a torrent in his head. He had said he was going to write about this conversation but he didn’t seem able to start. His breathing was hitched and he felt as if he had drunk too much coffee. That buzzing sensation along his nerves. He scratched his arm as if it has been dunked in itching powder. Standing up he went to the kitchen and got himself a glass of water. His hands shook. He ran his fingers through his hair and down his face. He wanted to cry but the tears weren’t coming. If he could just start then he would dissolve into sobs, cry for hours, feel exhausted but better. But the tears were hiding behind the walls he had built up. He had forced himself not to cry in front of his mother and now he couldn’t cry. He crossed the living room to the computer and put on an old album. One he played whenever he felt like he did right now. One that had history for him. History soaked in tears and blood and time spent alone and hurting. Songs that he has sung and screamed. Loki opened the drawer in the unit and took out a small black box. Inside was a craft knife blade and a lighter. He took out the blade and closed the box. He held the blade gently in his fingers. It was curved and had a patina to it that made it look like puddles that has diesel spilt in them. All rainbow colours and wavy lines. He took off his shirt and folded it neatly placing it on the floor as he sat down. Taking a deep breath he pressed the blade into the soft flesh of his side just below his rib cage. He dragged the blade down slowly for maybe an inch. Loki repeated this until he had five evenly spaced cuts the dripped blood down his pale skin. They weren’t deep. They would take a few days to heal completely and would probably not scar. But they were enough. His breathing had returned to normal and he no longer felt like there was a current running under his skin. He felt in control again. 

He took the blade to the skin and carefully washed and dried it then returned it to the box. The box went back into the drawer. He turned off the music and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. The bleeding was slowing down so he just pressed a clean cloth to them as he walked to his bedroom. He stripped off his trousers and underwear and checked to see if the bleeding had stopped which it had. The cuts stung as he stretched and moved. A subtle reminder of what he has just done. Looking at himself in the mirrored front to his wardrobe he could see the various scars that littered his skin. They didn’t make him feel bad though, not this time. Instead they were a reminder of the fact that he was alive. Broken without a doubt but still alive.

You can have me perfect and dead or scarred and alive, he thought to himself as he got into bed.


	10. Chapter 10

After the coffee and muffin Pepper and Tony headed back to his place for one of their weekly dinners. Pepper liked to come round and cook for him at least once a week as that way she knew he was getting one decent meal. Left to his own devices Tony managed maybe one meal a day and even then calling it a meal was probably an overstatement. Thanks to his incredibly organised online system though his fridge and freezer were well stocked so Pepper was able to get straight on when they got in. She had long ago learnt that the way to get Tony eat a large meal was to give him something interactive. If you just put a plate in front of him he got bored easily. But if he had to be involved in the meal then he tended to eat much more. Tonight she decided to make fajitas. Another little secret she had learned was the busier his hands were making food the more he would talk. It was almost as if once you got his hands busy his mouth became unguarded. 

Tony turned on the computer system and set some music going. He then got himself and Pepper a glass of wine. She raised her eyebrows as he set the glass in front of her but didn’t say anything. He knew she worried about his drinking and he understood why. Making sure she saw him he put a stopper in the bottle and put it back in the cabinet rather than leaving it on the side in easy reach. He saw the corner of her eye crinkle up as she smiled and that made him feel unreasonably good. 

While Pepper set to making the meal Tony got one of his workbooks out of the cabinet he kept them in and sat at the table making notes. He had a few ideas about how to get the latest modifications to his AI working and he wanted to note them down while they were still fresh. In no time at all Pepper was bringing plates and bowls full of gorgeous smelling things to the table. Tony packed his things away and helped her with the rest. Snagging himself a tortilla he started to build himself an edible masterpiece.

“Ah Pep, remind me one day to marry you,” Tony said as he took his first bite of fajita.

“Not a chance Stark,” she giggled. Tony pouted. “It’s no good pulling that face either, you know it doesn’t work on me.”

“You’re a hard woman Potts. How about I employ you as my cook instead?” He grinned at her over his food.

“Nope. I saw what you did to the last one. Count yourself lucky I stick around and feed you on occasion.”

“I do.” His tone is suddenly all seriousness. Pepper looked up at him surprised. “I really do Pep. I have no idea why you put up with me and I am grateful. I...you’re my best friend Pep and I....I love you. You know that right?”

Pepper smiled at him. “Yeah I know Tony.” She grabbed his free hand and squeezed. “I know.” He squeezed back, smiled at her again and then goes back to his meal. The rest of dinner goes by in a blur of fajita building and chatter. When they’re done eating there is still enough food left to keep Tony in fajitas for a couple of days which was Pepper’s plan. She put it all in the fridge while Tony clears the table, which was their usual routine. 

“So what are you going to do with the rest of your evening?” Pepper asked him as she gathered her stuff together.

“Why I think I’m going to start phase one of your genius plan. It’s just me and the darn diary tonight.”

“You need anything?”

“Nah I’m good Pep. Go, have a life. Do whatever you do when you’re not babysitting me.”

“Ok. I’ll call you later in the week then.” She kissed him on the cheek and let herself out of the house. Tony grabbed the diary and curled up on the sofa. He put pen to paper and let his brain take over.

Where to begin? While he was certain that Pepper’s idea was indeed genius it didn’t mean that this was going to be easy. Truth be told he really didn’t want to analyse himself anymore than he wanted anyone else to but he knew it was the only way he was going to get through these sessions. Should he start at the beginning, when he was a little boy? Or maybe at the end with the incident that landed him at the shrink’s. Perhaps he should work his way through the things other people thought were wrong with him. This last one seemed to Tony to be the best idea. It tied in nicely with his last session so he could build straight from that. 

What did he care about? Not people, that was for sure. He was a playboy. Thanks to his father’s fame he was a notorious playboy. In the gossip columns weekly as they watched him work his way through every eligible woman and some who were not so eligible. One night, maybe two at a push. But that was it, never more than that. No connections, no relationships, no love. His women rarely had a bad word to say about him though. He always made sure that he had made it clear that the encounter wasn’t going anywhere. He was happy for them to stay the night if they wanted and to pay their taxi fare if they didn’t. If they stayed he made breakfast or at least ordered whatever they wanted from room service. 

He was a considerate lover. It wasn’t about getting his rocks off. Tony got as much enjoyment from their pleasure as he did his own. He’d be insulted if anyone left his bed unsatisfied. Sure he wanted to know everything about their bodies, but he was not interested in their hearts. Every woman he slept with had to meet two requirements. He needed to find her attractive and she had to accept that she was only getting into his bed. Occasionally he got it wrong and there were scenes, but these happened rarely. Mostly it was a night or two of pleasure, a hearty breakfast and he never saw them again. Things were similar with his male lovers only not so public. He had no shame in his desires but for some reason he had always wanted to keep this side of himself private. This belonged to him and he liked it that way. He was much choosier about the men he slept with and the number had been few. The encounters tended to last longer too. They usually happened when he went away anywhere for a week or more. He would find someone who made the grade and pretty much lock himself away with them. But always he was clear that it was going no further. Tony didn't need entanglements from anyone, male or female. 

At twenty five he had never had what could reasonably be called a relationship. He’d tried once with Pepper when they were fifteen. It had seemed like the logical progression in their friendship at the time. Both of them realised within a week that it really just was not for them. They were best friends, always had been and always will be. Tony often wondered if his lack of desire to settle down with anyone was due to him knowing no one would ever live up to Pepper. The thought seemed somehow unfair to Pepper. More likely it was rooted in his belief that relationships just did not work. He had yet to see one that had. His parent’s marriage had hardly been a great example. 

Tony stopped writing and ran his hand over his face. Did he really want to go into his parent’s marriage? It was where his thoughts were taking him but really it was a subject he tried to avoid at all costs. He shook his head and looked back down at the book. Better to dig beneath his skin himself than to let someone else do it. He started to write again.

Tony had always known that his parents weren’t as happy as they should have been. He rarely saw them together and when he did they were tense. His father was at work all day and spent most of his evenings in his workshop. As a child he spent most of his time with his mother, trailing her from room to room, helping her with things around the house. She was a gentle soul. Quiet in voice and action. She answered his childish questions as fully as she could, taking joy in his search for knowledge even at such a young age. When his father came home for the day though she changed. She went from quiet to silent. Shushing him when he asked her questions. His father would eat with them and then disappear to the workshop, the one place Tony was not allowed. As he got older and started school Tony saw less and less of the mother he loved and more of the silent woman who cowered slightly when his father entered a room. He never saw them argue but he was a smart kid, he knew it must happen. Finally at the age of eight he woke up in the night to the sound of his father shouting. He tiptoed down the stairs and peered round the door to the living room. His father was stood in the middle of the room screaming at his mother. He had a glass in his hand that was half full of some amber liquid and his face was flushed red. His mother looked terrified. As his father leant closer to his mother, still screaming at her, Tony ran into the room and threw himself in front of her. His father looked shocked to see him and then the shock turned to anger. He raised his hand to slap his son and his mother pushed him out of the way, taking the blow for him. At that moment Tony lost all respect for his father. Even as he sat on the floor sobbing, his mother’s cheek turning red while his father stalked from the room, he realised that he did not care for his father at all. 

He never saw them argue again. His father still joined them for meals but that was the only time he ever saw him. Within a year of that night his mother was dead. Sudden and without suffering she suffered a cerebral aneurysm. He didn't see his father mourn once.

Tony threw the pen down and tossed the diary to one side. Though he wasn't aware of it he was crying. He got up and crossed the room to the liquor cabinet grabbing the first bottle he came to. Right now he wasn’t concerned about the flavour of the alcohol. He just wanted oblivion. Snagging a glass out of the cupboard he filled it to the brim and knocked it back in one slug. Then another and another. He slid down to the floor and continued to drink. In ten minutes he had drained the bottle dry. He threw the empty bottle and glass across the room and was satisfied to hear them both shatter. It would be a pain to clear up in the morning but he wasn’t thinking of the morning. Wrapping his arms around his knees he gave into the sobs that were crawling up his chest. He cried until his head hurt and his eyes itched. Eventually he was down to dry sobs. He felt woozy from drink and wrung out from crying. Sliding the rest of the way to lay flat on the floor he closed his eyes and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, mammoth upload. This is all I have written at the moment. I am aiming for one chapter a week roughly so hopefully I will be back with another one soon. Hope you're enjoying :o)


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for the huge delay. I've been up to my neck in wedding preparations. Also I've been awed and inspired by some of the great stories I've been reading here and really wanted to work at this chapter. I hope it's been worth it. As always all comments are gratefully accepted. I love constructive criticism.

Tuesday rolled around again. The rest of the week had passed in a blur for Loki. He’d watched the wounds he’d inflicted upon himself scab over and had picked the scabs off. Some came off clean and others ripped new skin and bled all over again. None were deep enough to scar in any permanent kind of way. He had woken up the morning after with a clearer head and had written in the diary for hours over the course of the day. He’d poured out everything he’d been unable to the night before and he had cried every time he set down his pen. He was exhausted but his thoughts were clearer than they had been in years. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about any of this though. So it was with a heavy heart that he arrived at Adam’s office 

At the door he hesitated, one hand on the cool door, willing himself to open it and step inside. He wanted to run away and he hated himself for this cowardice. The diary was in his bag and it weighed heavy on his shoulder. Full of secrets and pain and shame. Loki wanted to keep all those feelings inside the book, pressed between the thick covers like flowers. But he knew that what he wanted wasn’t what was going to happen. He thought of his mother and how him coming here made her feel better. Forcing the feeling of nausea down he pushed open the door. 

Once inside the building he could feel his heart rate pick up slightly. He was nervous in a way he hadn’t been since his first session. Loki realised he didn’t want to tell Adam he had harmed himself. He really didn’t want to disappoint the therapist and he knew that this would. It always did. When told he let himself into the office and closed the door gently behind himself. As he crossed to the sofa he kept his eyes firmly on the floor, not daring to look at Adam. Once sat he reached into his bag and pulled the diary out and sat with it on his knee. 

“Hi Loki, how are you today?” asked Adam.

“Fine thank you and yourself?” Loki replied. His hands twined together restlessly.

“Very well thank you. Though I would prefer it if you didn’t lie to me.”

Loki looked up sharply. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure what you mean.” His voice was steady but there was a hint of panic in his eyes that did not go unnoticed.

“Loki you are picking at the base of your thumbnail. You have picked it so much you are in danger of dripping blood all over your diary.” Loki looked down and cursed. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and sucked in an attempt to slow the bleeding. “The fact that you had not noticed certainly implies a high level of stress. So I think we should start today’s session with what is bothering you.” He handed Loki a cloth to wrap his thumb with thus leaving his mouth free to speak. He chewed his bottom lip for a moment, wondering where to start.

“I spoke to my mother this week,” he whispered, “about the adoption.” He chewed his lip some more as he concentrated on wiping the blood from his hand. “I asked her why she had kept it from me.” Loki paused and looked up at Adam.

“And what did she say?” Adam asked him gently, urging him to continue.

“That it was my father’s idea originally. That she had wanted to tell me. Though that changed as I got older. Apparently I wanted so desperately to be like Thor that she thought it would hurt me to know that I wasn’t really his brother!” Loki spat, getting angrier as he spoke. “She thought so little of me, she thought I couldn’t handle the knowledge. Clearly she knew that it mattered even though she says it doesn’t.” Loki looked down at his bleeding thumb and gritted his teeth, willing the anger to say behind them. 

“What happened after you had talked? Don’t look at me as if you have no idea what I am on about. I know your history Loki, I’d be very surprised if you hadn’t hurt yourself after this confrontation.”

Loki clenched his jaw again and looked down at his wounded hand. Of course there was no way he was getting out of talking about this as well. 

“Fine. Yes I cut myself after. Is that what you wanted to hear? You are correct; I am a weak excuse for a human being. Can we move on now?” Loki growled at the therapist.

“I don’t think we can Loki, no. You see, this is the reason you are here with me today. Yes were are trying to deal with the root causes for these actions but we will need to look at the actions themselves.” Adam sighed deeply. “I will say this to you only the once Loki. I do not think you are weak. Hurting yourself actually takes great determination and strength. It is an animal's instinct to protect itself from harm so to bypass that takes immense will power. The fact that you self harm does not bother me, I just want to help you find a better way of dealing with whatever it is that leads you to it. Do you understand?”

Loki rubbed his cheek against his shoulder, ran his tongue over his teeth and took a couple of deep breaths. His shoulders sagged slightly. 

“Yes, I understand.” he said quietly.

“Good. Ok let’s continue then. What did you do after you had finished talking to your mother? How did you feel?” 

“I felt angry. I felt angry and hurt and confused and I really wanted to cry but I couldn’t. No tears, nothing. Just this really odd feeling inside. I was so mad at her but I could also understand what she was saying. I still think she was wrong and I don’t think anything will ever change that but I felt that maybe one day I would be able to accept it.” He chuckled softly. “The oddest thing was how angry I felt at myself for this understanding. I....I don’t want to understand. I want to be angry, it’s easier. It was all too much to feel like this so I did what I always do when it feels too much and I can’t cry. I cut myself. Nothing serious, no need for a doctor. They’re pretty much healed now and there will be no scarring.” Loki threw the cloth on the table and picked gently at the edge of the diary. “I think my mother knew I was going to do it as we finished the phone call. That makes me feel worse about it than anything else could. I want to hate her and I can’t. I just hate upsetting her.”

“Why did you decide to ask your mother about the adoption? What I mean is, why her, why not your father?”

“My father?” Loki sneered, “Why on earth would I ask him?”

“Well why not? Surely they are equally capable of answering your questions?”

“You would have thought so but no, my father would not answer them half so well as my mother.”

“Now that is interesting,” Adam said. Loki raised his eyebrows as if to question what was interesting. “When you say father I can hear the distance you are putting between you and him. You say it in a way that leaves it certain that his is not your father. But when you say mother you really mean it.”

“My father had not been my father in anything other than name for a long time before I found out about the adoption.” Loki raised his chin slightly and looked Adam in the eye. “I was not the kind of son he wanted and he made that very obvious. Always complaining of my lack of interest in the family business. Always remarking on the ways in which I was not like him or my brother. I should have guessed sooner that I wasn’t his son.” He shook his head slightly. “So you see, my father is not one I would really go to for a heart to heart or honest answers.”

“I see. Ok so I understand why you went to your mother. You asked her about the adoption, clearly she gave you some answers and probably left you with a few more questions. You finished the call and then hurt yourself. What else happened this week?” 

“Not a great deal. I went to work. I wrote in the diary. The same as usual.” Loki was fiddling with the edge of the diary again. He knew he was going to be asked to read a part of it and he had no idea which part he would choose. It all seemed so personal, so private. He had never spoken to anyone about the things he had written this week and he really had no desire to start now. 

“So let’s have a look at what you wrote.”

“What if I refused?” Loki said, once again looking at the floor. 

“I suppose you could. I can’t force you to read from it. But if that is how you want to run these sessions then you will have to be a lot more forthcoming. You will have to lead these sessions and talk to me about your issues. You would be the one guiding us through your problems while I help you to make sense of then. Are you ready to do that?” 

Loki glanced up quickly and then back down at his feet. Could he do that? Could he willingly pry open all the enclosed spaces inside himself? Could he peel back the scar tissue all alone? 

“Fine. You are correct in your assumption that I am not ready to do that. I guess I’ll be reading a passage from this today then.” He started to flick through the pages from this week looking for something suitable. Probably best to start right after the phone call he supposed. “Ok, this is the first thing I wrote after the call to my mother.”

I love my mother. I have always loved her more than anyone in the world. She is the only person who has ever really understood me. She pushed me to stretch my intelligence. She urged me to follow my heart. She knows who I am, how petty and cruel I can be, how lonely, how scared, and she loves me anyway. I want to hate her for lying to me but I can’t. She doesn’t see it as lying and I guess I understand that. I am her son, possibly more so than Thor is. Thor is definitely the son of his Father, I the son of our mother. It grieves me to have hurt her with my anger. I have never told her that she is not my mother but my actions have made her think that she isn’t. I wish I could tell her that she will always be the only mother I have. Out of all of them it is her I wish to build bridges with the most. Maybe that is the coward in me. That bridge will be the easiest to build. I should think about building bridges with Thor but I can’t. He still calls me brother; I’ve forgotten how to say the word.

Loki closed the diary and put it back in his bag. No matter what Adam said he was not reading any more today. He just couldn’t.

“Ah I see more now why it was your mother you spoke to this week. You truly do love her.” Loki nodded. “How about your brother, do you love him?” 

“He’s not my brother! His words, not mine. It doesn’t matter that he forgot them the moment he said them. He. Is. Not. My. Brother.” Loki was picking at the base of his thumbnail again, totally unaware he was doing it. “It doesn’t matter if I love him or not things will never be as they were.”

“You’re right, they won’t. What happened with you two?” Adam gently asked.

“We grew apart.”

“Come on Loki, you need to give more than that.”

“I...I can’t.” Loki winced as he pulled a bit of skin from his thumb, finally realising what he was doing. Adam handed him the cloth again. 

“Why not? What are you afraid of?”

“If I start pulling down these walls where does it stop? How am I supposed to stop myself hurting if you make me bare my soul to you? I’m not strong enough to do this. I can’t go out there without my masks and if I take them off in here there are no guarantees I can put them back on.”

“You can’t live your life behind these masks Loki. This is not living, it’s existing. You deserve better than that. We’ll start small ok? Baby steps.”

Loki looked up, his eyes wide and glassy with unshed tears. “They still get you to the end of the road, it just takes longer. My mother said that to me this week.” He took a deep breath. “Ok, baby steps. We grew apart. It started at maybe twelve, thirteen-ish. We were becoming who we would be and we are very different. Thor is your typical big sporty type. He likes drinking and girls and being loud with his friends. I had few friends, was happier with a book and really not all that interested in girls. With so little in common we just drifted apart. But we were always there for each other. When Thor went off travelling I was the one he called to talk to when he was lonely. When I had problems at school I would still ask him for advice rather than mother. We were very much still brothers.” 

Loki started to pick at his thumb again but caught himself before he caused any more damage. 

“Then that day happened. He uttered those words and my world really did fall apart. Deep down I know he didn’t mean them. I know this. But he was right, we are not brothers. He’s all golden sunlight and following in father’s footsteps. I’m all shadows and a disappointment. There is so much about me that Thor doesn’t know now, as I’m sure there is about him that I don’t know. When I went to university I didn’t call much, rarely came home. When I graduated and came home I got a place of my own as soon as I could. We’ve probably spoken a handful of times since I was eighteen.” 

“You miss him.” It came out as a statement but Loki knew it was really a question.

“I do. But I don’t think I’m capable of fixing this. I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Loki’s voice broke on the last word, tears streaming from his eyes. He tried to hold it in but it was impossible. He reached into his bag and pulled out a handkerchief. Sniffing as he wiped his eyes he looked up apologetically at Adam.

“It’s ok Loki, you are allowed to cry. I expect we’ll see a few more tears before we are through. Well we have actually made it all the way to the end of your session for a change. I dislike stopping here but I do have another client straight after you.” Adam looked down at his notes. “I would encourage you to talk to your brother though I realise this may be too big a step at the moment. Perhaps talking to your mother again. Definitely some kind of family contact this week if you can manage it. Do you think you can do that Loki?”

Loki sniffed again and nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“Ok then. I will see you next week. And Loki,” Loki looked up at the therapist, “You did well this week!”

Loki grabbed his bag and headed out the door. His eyes were sore and he wasn’t really paying much attention to where he was going. As he reached the door to the outside it was flung open and someone collided heavily with him, knocking both themselves and Loki to the ground. The contents of Loki’s bag scattered across the pavement and the inside of the doorway.

“Ah shit!” Exclaimed a voice from the ground. The gentleman who had barrelled so unceremoniously into Loki was sprawled across the floor holding a hand to his head. 

“Are you ok?” Asked Loki as he got to his feet. He held a hand out to the stranger and helped him stand.

“Yeah I’m fine just running late. I’m sorry man are you ok? I didn’t break anything did I?”

“No I’m fine thank you.” Loki started to pick up his things and the stranger helped him. The man looked faintly familiar to Loki but he couldn’t place it. He was shorted than Loki by quite a bit and had dark, messy hair. As he handed Loki his diary he looked up and met his eyes. Loki noticed that his eyes were warm brown and with the longest lashes he had ever seen. A faint blush crept over Loki’s cheeks and he hastily looked at his bag as he put the diary away.

“Thanks for your help.” Loki turned and started to walk away.

“Hey wait a minute,” the man yelled. Loki turned back. “My name’s Tony. Tony Stark.” He reached out a hand to Loki.

“Oh, erm, I’m Loki. Loki Laufeyson.” They shook hands and Loki marvelled at the callouses he could feel on an otherwise smooth palm.

“Nice to meet you Loki. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?”

“I....Yes, maybe you will.” Loki turned again before the man, Tony, could see him blushing again. He really was an attractive man.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. You guys rock!

Tony woke up the following morning on the floor exactly where he had passed out. He back was sore from the cold floor and his mouth felt like something had died in there. He rolled over and stared at the ceiling trying to find the energy to sit up. When he finally found it he really wished he hadn’t. The room spun crazily for a moment and Tony knew it was going to be a long day. 

A couple of hours later he had dragged himself through the shower got dressed. He sat at the kitchen counter nursing a very large very strong coffee and reached for the diary. He re-read his last entry while he finished his coffee and realised he was going to have to write a lot more if he wanted his next session to go well. 

Since there was no way he could repeat the events of last night all week long he resolved to take his diary to the little coffee shop Pepper had introduced him to and write there. So for the rest of the week Tony spent at least an hour a day curled up in a comfy chair with a really great coffee and a muffin and wrote. He stayed fairly sober all week and by the time Tuesday came around again he felt almost ready to face the therapist.

On the day of his appointment he was once again at the coffee shop putting the finishing touches on his last entry. He checked the time just as he was taking the last swig of coffee and saw he was down to ten minutes before his appointment. It was about a fifteen to twenty minute walk from the shop to the therapists building. 

“Shit!” Tony exclaimed. He shovelled everything from the table into his bag, ate the last bite of muffin and dashed out of the door. He didn’t exactly run all the way but it was certainly a dignified scramble. He reached the door to the building where his therapist was located and flung it open. Unfortunately there was someone on the other side and he collided full on with them, knocking both of them over. 

“Ah shit!” Tony exclaimed grabbing his head where it had connected with something quite solid. 

“Are you ok?” Asked a voice from above. Tony looked up to see a hand being held out to help him up. He followed the arm upwards and found himself looking into the face of the guy from the coffee shop and bookstore. 

"Yeah I'm fine just running late. I'm sorry man are you ok? I didn't break anything did I?"

"No I'm fine thank you." The guy said. Tony bent to help him pick up his things which had ended up all over the pavement and doorway. He handed them over, once more admiring the guy’s graceful hands. Tony noticed that he blushed slightly as their hands touched. He filed that little fact away for later. "Thanks for your help." He started to turn away as if to head off down the street. Come on Stark, Tony thought, you’ve got to find out who he is.

"Hey wait a minute," Tony yelled. The stranger turned back. "My name's Tony. Tony Stark." He reached out a hand to him, hoping to get him to blush again.

"Oh, erm, I'm Loki. Loki Laufeyson." They shook hands and Tony marvelled at the just how perfect his hands and wrists were close up.

"Nice to meet you Loki. Maybe I'll see you around sometime?" Tony asked, smiling widely at Loki.

"I...Yes, maybe you will." Loki turned away but not quickly enough to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks. Tony grinned even more as he heading into the building finally. 

Tony ambled into Adam’s office ten minutes late for his session.

“I know, I know, I’m late. I’m really sorry. I was writing in the diary and then I just had a collision with the guy leaving your building, Loki I think his name was. Had to make sure he was gonna live you know?”

Adam looked at Tony slightly stunned. “Let me get this straight. You were voluntarily writing in the diary and you nearly killed someone at my office?”

“Yeah. Well it was probably more of a concussion than a killing but you get the idea. And the writing is part of my new genius plan which I need to tell you about right now.” Tony smiled at Adam 

“Ok, what have you got?”

“I would love to take the credit for this one. Really I would. But it goes to my amazing friend Pepper. I hate these sessions. I don’t want to be here and I really don’t want you digging inside my head. So I’m going to be the one doing the digging. I pick apart whatever it is you want me to and you can guide me and help me figure out what I need to do so I don’t land myself anywhere like this again. If there has to be analysing going on it might as well be me doing it. What do you think?”

Tony looked over at Adam slightly anxiously. He knew the idea was brilliant and was really the best plan for him but the therapist had to agree for it to work. Adam looked at Tony intently for a moment.

“Will you apply the same dedication to this as you would to one of your many projects that I read about in the papers?” Tony nodded. “Will you listen to my guidance and delve into the subjects that I advise?” He nodded again. “If I think we need to look at something in more depth do you agree to do so, no matter how painful it is?” 

“Anything you say doc. Though I make no promises that I will be reasonable about it. As I’ve said, I don’t really want to do this but it’s got to be done. I’m an argumentative sod and I don’t expect that will change anytime soon.”

“Then we have an agreement. I actually agree with your friend. It is really how I prefer to run my sessions anyway. I can only do so much without the full involvement of the patient.” Adam gestured towards the diary. “I assume since you were running late because of that you have something to start us off with today?”

“Indeed I do doc. Indeed I do.”

Tony plonked himself on the sofa and kicks off his shoes much like he did on his first session. He tucked his feet under himself and grabbed the diary but didn’t open it yet.

“Last time I was here you asked me what I cared about and one of the things I said was Pepper. She really is the thing I care about most in this world. She’s my best friend and has been for longer than I care to think about. We tried dating once when we were about fifteen and it was a total disaster. I’m gonna tell you why.” Tony flipped open the diary to the first marker he has placed and began to read.

Pepper Potts is the most amazing woman I know. She has a razor sharp wit and can keep up with me when I get an idea. She cheers me up when I’m down and she knows when to leave me alone. And she was all of those things at the age of ten when I first met her. I remember the day she arrived at my school. She was all blond pigtails and shy smiles. She walked in not knowing a single person there, looked round at the class and promptly came and sat next to me. There were other empty seats but she chose that one. We were inseparable from that moment on. At fifteen we were both a bundle of hormones and well, we’d been friends for so long it just seemed that surely we would be a perfect fit as a couple. So I took her on a date. Being the son of Howard Stark I got us a table at a nice restaurant, had us chauffeur driven there. You know, all the swanky stuff. It was like any other night we spent together just more expensive and with food we couldn’t pronounce the names of. When I dropped her at home I walked her to the door and kissed her goodnight. We looked at each other after the kiss and just collapsed laughing. It was awful. Like kissing a sibling or great aunt. Truly not the great romance we thought it would be. We gave up the idea of dating then and just carried on as friends. She is the sister I never had, the mother I lost and the one person I would really do anything for.

Tony closed the book and looked up at Adam. “So Doc, do I care enough about her?”

“Clearly you do Tony. Have you two ever fallen out?”

“Yeah a couple of times, who doesn’t. We had a major row once when she chose to date this total jerk against my advice. It was the only time I’ve ever doubted her intelligence.”

“Because she ignored you?”

“No! Because the guy was a Neanderthal. He only wanted her as a trophy on his arm. She is so much more than that. I think the only other time we’ve fallen out was after my father died and I ended up in hospital.”

“What happened?” Adam asked.

“Oh surely you know this story? Howard Stark dies in a car accident and his wayward son drinks himself into the ground and ends up hospitalised.” Tony laughed bitterly. “Pepper came to visit me in the hospital and told me this was the last time she would see me in a hospital bed. If I didn’t get my act together she would let me die alone there.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Awful. She was so, so disappointed in me. She’d given up on me I think. She didn’t expect me to come around. I think she thought that was the last time she would see me.” 

“So what did you do?”

Tony ran his hands through his hair and considered his answer. “ I checked myself out of the hospital the following day, went back to the house and got my shit together. My father’s estate needed sorting out, the company needed heading up and I needed to stay sober. I buried myself in getting Stark Industries running smoothly and then went to see Pepper. She’d been following it all in the news. You see she had never really given up on me. Just given me the push I needed to get back on with my life.” 

Adam made a few notes in Tony’s file. “It seems she is still doing that.”

“Yeah she is. Sometimes I wish for her sake that I had stayed on the straight and true path from that point onwards but it’s just not in my nature. Pep is there every step of the way to prod and push me back though. To make her happy right now I would need to meet someone nice, settle down and all that jazz. She’s a bit like a mother that way.”

“Do you see her as a mother figure?”

“It’s a bit hard to when she’s the same age as me Doc. But I lost my mother before Pep came on the scene and I suppose in a way she did fill the space my mother left.” Tony looked down, his eyes suddenly filling with tears. “I actually wrote about my mother a bit too.” He turned the diary to another marker a bit further on in the book from where he had read the last time. 

My mother was a beautiful woman. To me she was the most perfect person in the world. I suppose all children feel that way about their mother’s. Being as rich as we were we had staff to help look after the house and me but my mother didn't give me up to a nanny or the housekeeper like so many of her society acquaintances. She made me my breakfast in the morning and read me stories every night. She would take me for walks and tell me all about the world around me. She encouraged me to learn and got me the best tutors money could buy. She taught me to appreciate music and art, theatre and film. She was a gentle soul. I have no idea how she ended up marrying my father but I think it was the worst mistake she ever made. She gave up everything she ever wanted to be with him and he didn’t appreciate it one bit. I’m sure there must have been love there once. Surely no one would get married these days if there wasn’t. But it was long gone by the time I was able to understand what a relationship should be like. When she died I cried every day until the funeral. After she had been buried and everyone was back at our house for the food and everything my father pulled me to one side. He told me then that he did not want to see my cry ever again. That I was a grown up now and had to act like one. I was nine years old. I never saw him shed a single tear. 

“Do you think it would have helped? Seeing him cry I mean.”

Tony sighed. “At least I would have known he had a heart. You know he never told me that he loved me. Not once.” He shook his head and tapped his fingers on his chest. “He died and I have no idea if he loved me at all or even if he ever wanted me.” 

“How do you think that has affected you Tony?”

“What kind of stupid ass question is that doc?” He got up and started pacing the room, clearly agitated. “I have no idea how it affected me. After my mother died I hardly saw the man. I had a nanny and tutors who were paid very well to at least act if they liked me. I didn’t form a bond with a single one of them. My only real companion was Pepper.”

“Ok Tony. I think what we’re going to do is have you look at how you think your father and mother have affected your own view on relationships. You’ve made a great start here and I know it may seem like we’ve covered a lot but you’ve got to dig deeper.” Tony sat back down and unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair.

“How Freudian are we gonna get doc? I hope you’re not going to accuse me of having an Oedipus complex.”

“Very funny Tony. No I just think it bears further scrutiny. You got defensive and that tells me there is a wall there. Since you want to direct this therapy I’m just going to point you at the walls that need scaling.”

“Fine. I can do that. So more looking at Mommy and Daddy, got it. I guess I’ll be ordering some more whiskey this week then.” He grinned to show Adam he was joking. Well, mostly.

“Try to stay out of hospital ok?” Adam smiled at him and shook his head slightly. “This was a great session Tony. You’ve done well. I think you might owe your Pepper a gift or two.”

“Thanks doc. I might just do that. I’ll see you next week ok.” And with that Tony gathered his things and left. He was meeting Pepper at the coffee shop instead of her picking him up at the therapists. As he stepped outside Tony wondered if he would see the delightful Loki Laufeyson there. His lips tilted in a smirk that has been known to make people go weak at the knees. He might just see if it is possible to make him blush again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well they have met now and we've seen it from both aspects. The format will change slightly now. there will still be their individual chapters but we're gonna start seeing more and more joint ones I think. 
> 
> Keep the comments coming. Constructive criticism is awesome ^_^


	13. Chapter 13

Loki walked to the coffee shop as usual after his session with Adam. Except this time he didn’t think about the session, or what he was going to write or even if he was going to grab food. He thought about the man at the door. Tony. Tony Stark. He could feel the corners of his mouth quirk up in a smile as he remembered Tony’s eyes. Those ridiculously long eyelashes. It had been a long time since Loki had felt any kind of attraction to anyone at all. He shook his head and mentally told himself that he was being ridiculous. He had far more important things to be thinking about at the moment than eyes the colour of coffee and honey.

At the coffee shop Loki grabbed his usual large hazelnut latte and added a cheese and ham panini to the order. This diary entry was clearly going to take a while to write so he might as well fortify himself in readiness. The shop was busy and his normal seat in the back by the fire was taken so instead he grabbed one of the high chairs where a tall table ran the length of the window. He sat right in the corner as far from the door as he could. The chair was no challenge for his long legs and he stretched out there as comfortably as he had curled himself into the comfy chair out back.

He took a bite of his panini and got the diary out of his bag. He stared out of the window and let his thoughts drift to Thor. Where to start. As soon as he thought about when they were children his gut twisted painfully. Not ready to start there then. Maybe starting with where they are now and backtracking would be best. Soaking the scar tissue off slowly as it were. 

Loki picked up his latte and inhaled the hazelnut aroma. God he loved these things. Thor had always mocked him for his posh coffee preferring his plain black and very sweet. It was the one thing they had where Thor was dark and Loki was light. Darkness and light; that seemed like a good place to start. Loki started to write.

Loki was like a shadow. Pale skin, dark hair, green eyes. Gentle enough on his feet that he could be stood next to you before you knew he had entered a room. Graceful enough that he often got asked if he was a dancer. Thor was golden haired, blue eyes and tanned skin. Built like a Viking warrior of old his presence kind of loomed over you but not in a threatening manner. More like a very enthusiastic labrador. They were so different to look at yet in many ways they were the same. Both were fiercely loyal to those they cared about, hard working when it came to things they enjoyed doing and intelligent in their own ways. Thor had gone to university to study business. As the eldest son it was expected of him to take over from their father and he actually enjoyed it. He joined the football team while he was there and was one of the most popular boys in his year. Loki had gone to study literature. He lost himself in books and they were his most constant companions. He made few friends and was not bothered by this at all. He withdrew from the world and was happy to let the world forget him.

Thor being a couple of years older had gone to university first. He’d taken a year out and done some travelling. That year they had still been brothers. Being away from his friends at home had given Thor the room he needed to re-connect with Loki and they had talked and written all the time. Loki remembered being happier then than he had been for a long time. When Thor came home they hung out like they had when they were children. Even during the summer holiday when all of Thor’s old friends were around he chose to spend most of his time with his brother. They drove each other nuts just like they always had much to the delight of their mother. All that had changed though on that day.

Loki paused and took a sip of his drink and a bite of his food. The panini had gone cold but he ate it anyway. His hands were shaking slightly and he wasn’t convinced that he could carry on writing. But he knew he had to. He wiped his hands on the little paper napkin and picked up his pen again. 

He could still see in his mind the moment he let go of the certificate. It had fluttered to the ground like a wounded bird from his nerveless fingers. Loki had been staring sightlessly ahead trying to process what he had just read. Thor had snatched the paper up from the ground and read it. Then those terrible words had passed his lips; He’s not my brother. Except he knew deep down that wasn’t what Thor had said. He had said; He’s not my brother? That slight inflection making all the difference. Suddenly it wasn’t an accusation it was a question. It was confusion and maybe even pain exactly like Loki had been feeling. It wasn’t hatred or disgust or any of the things he had convinced himself of in the dead of night when it hurt the most. Loki had always known that he was wrong for pushing Thor away but he hadn’t been able to help it. All those years of feeling second best in their father’s eyes, of being mocked by Thor’s friends for how different to them he was; they had coalesced into a tight ball of anger deep in his chest and he had vented it at Thor. He had barely spoken to his brother for the rest of the holiday. When they had left to start their university courses Thor had written to him but the letters sat unopened for weeks and were eventually replied to with short missives that said nothing. Eventually Thor’s letters became shorter and less frequent but he always wrote. 

Loki closed the book. His brother had never stopped loving him. Even though he had done everything bar setting fire to the bridge between them Thor had never truly stopped trying. Loki reached into his bag a grabbed his phone. He wasn’t ready to speak to his brother. Spoken words were so much more real than written ones. So a text message was the only place to start.

Hey Thor. It’s Loki. How are you?

It was a very bland message but Loki had no idea how else to start. How do you start talking to someone you have tried to ignore for nearly four years? His phone started buzzing and he looked down. Thor was calling him. Loki pushed ignore and waited for it to stop.

I’m sorry Thor but I can’t speak to you yet. I’m just not ready for that. Would you be able to text me do you think?

He waited with bated breath to see if Thor would respond. He didn’t have to wait long.

I hate texting Loki, it takes too long! How are you? Where are you? Can I come see you?

Loki chuckled softly. So many questions. He could practically see the excited look on his brother’s face.

I’m doing well thank you. I’m having coffee at the moment before going home. I’d rather we didn’t meet just yet. I’m working up to it. I just wanted to talk to you. I guess I wanted to apologize.

Loki finished the rest of his latte while he waited for Thor to respond. He picked at the remains of his panini but the congealed cheese was beyond eating as far as he could see.

Apologize for what? For being the idiot I know you are? Don’t sweat it. Just come see me, that will be apology enough!

Loki sighed. Trust his brother to be both wonderful and exasperating at the same time. 

I’ll try ok. Soon. Thanks for talking to me. It’s more than I deserve.

The reply was quicker this time.

Don’t be stupid brother. Don’t leave it too long ok?

ok 

Loki put the phone back in his bag and tried not to grin like the idiot Thor thought he was. It was only eight messages but it felt like the longest novel in the world. So much more had been said in those eight lines than any of the great writers had managed to say in all their novels. Loki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt almost serene. Apparently this had lifted a great weight from him that he hadn’t known he was carrying. He smiled again and started to gather his things together when the bell over the door rang. 

Tony walked into the coffee shop and headed straight to the counter to order. Pepper was a couple of minutes away but he knew what to get for her. He smiled at the girl working the machines and ordered a pot of English breakfast tea for Pepper and the largest, strongest coffee they did for himself. By the time the drinks were ready Pepper had arrived. He kissed her cheek, handed her the huge cookie he had just bought her and picked up their tray.

“Lead the way Miss Potts!” he said to her in his most cheerful voice. Pepper laughed and headed to one of the tables with the low armchairs. They were nowhere near as nice as the big comfy ones out back but they were comfortable enough and the front of the shop was still catching the last rays of sunshine while the back was getting dark.

“So why the cookie? Have you done something terrible?” Pepper asked while breaking of bits of cookie and nibbling on them.

“How very dare you!” Tony exclaimed looking mock hurt. “I’ll have you know that Adam believes I owe you some presents and this is the first instalment. But if you don’t want presents.....” He paused to allow her to interrupt him as he knew she would.

“Oh I am ok with presents. You gift away my dear. But why am I getting them?” Pepper smiled at him and offered him a bit of the cookie which he took with a smile. 

“He thinks that we had our best session today and that is all down to your brilliant idea. Thus, I owe you gifts. I think he’s right. It was a hell of a session and I will never say I enjoyed it but I felt, I don’t know, lighter maybe when I left there.” Tony reached over and took Pepper’s hand, “Seriously Pep, I might actually get something out of this whole therapy thing and if I do it will all be down to you.”

Pepper blushed and squeezed his hand. “I just pointed you in the right direction Tony, you’ve still got to do all the driving.”

“So, is there anything that you want stroke need right now that your rich and grateful friend can buy you?” Tony teased.

“Not a thing. If you want to buy me presents then you’ll have to do all the work picking them out. Surprise me Tony.” He mouth tilted down a moment as if she had thought something bad. “Though no naked men at my door ok?”

“As if I would send naked men to your door.” Tony tried to look innocent but failed miserably. Giving it up as a bad job he decided to tell Pepper his other good news. “Guess what else happened to me today?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“There is no way you got lucky before your session and no time for you do have managed it after!”

“Not lucky like you mean it no but I did have a very fortunate encounter before my session.” Tony paused, dragging the story out as much as he could while Pepper motioned for him to get to the point. “You remember the guy from the bookstore? Well I ran into him today. I mean literally ran into him. He was leaving Adam’s building as I was going in and he knocked me flying.”

“Oh my god, were you both ok?” Pepper asked.

“Yeah we were fine. You know he really does have the finest hands I have ever seen on a living person. And he blushes. And his eyes are the purest green in the world. And his voice, don’t get me started on his voice!”

“Breathe Tony!” Pepper giggled at him. “Boy do you have it bad. You got all that from one encounter?”

“Indeed I did. I am very observant.”

“Did you happen to get his name or were you too mesmerised?” 

“Loki Laufeyson. He should be the lead in some romantic period drama with a name like that. Loki. It just rolls of the tongue don’t you think?” Tony was smiling slightly in a way that Pepper knew he was thinking about tongues and that was a conversation she did not want to have. 

“Down boy. You’re like a dog in heat Tony and for you that is saying something.”

“You want to know when the last time I had sex was? It was the day before you took me to the bookshop.” Tony shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “I’ve not been able to get him out of my head and then I walk right into him.”

“Wow Tony. I just.....wow!” Pepper stuttered unable to really think of anything to say. For Tony to go that long without sex was almost unheard of.

“I know Pep, I know. I thought about going on one of my jaunts but I don’t want to. I thought about going back to the bookstore but I didn't know what I would say. Hell, I had him in front of me and all I could manage was basic flirting. I think I’ve lost my mojo.” Tony looked so saddened by this that Pepper couldn’t help but laugh.

“Maybe you just actually like him. You know, more than just wanting to sleep with him.”

“How is that possible Pepper? I’ve barely spoken to him for more that five minutes. That kinda shit only happens in books and bad TV shows.” Tony glanced over her shoulder and out of the front windows of the shop. It just wasn't possible for him to like this guy. He didn’t do liking. None of the messy emotional stuff. He cast his eyes about the coffee shop and suddenly found himself staring into an increasingly familiar pair of pure green eyes. He tilted his head slightly and smiled even as he could hear Pepper calling his name. 

Loki looked away quickly but he knew that he had been caught staring. He looked over at Tony again and smiled briefly back at him then started to pack his things away. Embarrassed at being caught he knew the only thing he could do now was get out of there as quickly as possible. He picked up his coat and bag and started to pick a path through the chairs and tables to the door. The only way out meant having to go past Tony’s table. As he approached he could hear Tony’s companion asking him what was wrong but he didn’t catch Tony’s quiet response. Just as he drew level with the table she turned to look at him and he caught the moment of understanding that passed through them. But he didn't get any time to wonder what that meant as he heard his name being spoken. 

“Loki, how nice to see you again.” Tony said without a hint that he had just been discussing Loki.

“Ah, Mr Stark, hello.” Loki said quietly, hoping that he wasn't blushing. Tony had such a direct look. No one had ever made eye contact with Loki quite like this and it was very unsettling. 

“Please don't call me that. It’s Tony, ok?” His voice was soft but Loki detected a certain hardness that hinted he was deadly serious about this. “Would you like to join us for a drink?”

Loki was stunned. “Ah, no. I’m afraid I can’t join you and your girlfriend at this time. Though thank you for the offer. I really must be on my way.”

“Oh Pepper isn’t my girlfriend, far from it. Pepper, this is Loki Laufeyson, Loki, this is my friend Pepper.” Tony introduced them and smiled as they shook hands. Really he had the most wonderful hands. He didn’t blush when shaking Pepper’s hand; Tony took that to be a good sign. “Maybe some other time then?” He asked.

“Er yes, maybe.” Tony reached out his hand to shake Loki’s just to see if he would. For a moment he thought that Loki would refuse but he stretched out his hand and shook Tony’s or the briefest of moments. His cheeks turned the faintest shade of pink as he did. “Goodbye Tony, Miss Pepper.” 

And with that Loki was gone, his long legs carrying him to the door and though it in a matter of moments. Tony sighed and looked back at Pepper. 

“I am so screwed!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks soooo much for your patience guys. This whole wedding thing is killing me. Almost there now so hopefully some sort of schedule will return by the middle of September. 
> 
> I really wanted this chapter to be longer but I just kinda finished on me. I reckon the next one will be more Loki and Tony before their next sessions but we'll see.
> 
> As always your comments and constructive criticism is always welcome!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone so long guys. The wedding went well and I am now back on track with this story. It's a fairly sort chapter and I'm sorry for that. Hopefully they will get a bit longer now. As always your comments are very welcome!

Loki practically ran home. The night had the slight chill of impending autumn but he didn’t notice. All Loki could feel was the touch of Tony Stark’s hand in his. Calloused yet soft, a firm grip but not hard enough to hurt, the slight drag of fingers over his palm as Tony let go that Loki was sure he must have imagined. There was no denying it, Tony was an attractive man. He carried himself in a way that said he was very comfortable with who he was. Loki only wished he had that kind of self assurance. Instead here he was scurrying for the safety of his home where he could blush in peace. At least that was the plan. However the universe had other ideas. Within moments of stepping into his house the phone rang. He answered it knowing that it would be his mother. Anyone else and he would have let the machine get it.

“Loki you’re back. I tried earlier but it went to your machine.” The words Frigga spoke were ordinary enough but Loki could hear the excitement in her voice.

“Thor told you I sent him a text didn’t he?”

“He might have mentioned it yet. Oh Loki I am so happy you did. Your brother has been grinning all afternoon. Though I will admit to being curious as to why you did.” Loki could hear the scrape of the chair in the background that told him his mother was getting herself comfortable.

“Ok hang on, let me just grab a drink and I’ll give you all the details you so desire,” he chuckled as he put the phone down and headed to the fridge for some juice. “Ok I’m back. What do you want to know?”

“Oh I want to know everything son. Why you finally took that step.” A tinkle indicated she had come prepared for a long conversation with a cup of tea.

Loki laughed, “There really isn’t so much to it that you needed to stock up on the Earl Grey before calling Mother. I spent a large portion of my session today talking about Thor and then when I was having coffee and writing after a couple of things just slipped into place and I realised that I needed to speak to him. Well, to make contact at least.”

“But what slipped into place? That’s the bit that interests me. Honestly, you are terrible at telling a story son!” Frigga exclaimed impatiently.

“I just realised that the one thing Thor had said that hurt me wasn’t meant how I remembered it. That’s all. I realised I had been wrong, as much as it pains me to admit it. So what did Thor say to you about it?” Loki asked.

“Oh he just said that you had sent him a message, that you weren’t up to talking to him properly yet. Which by the way he thinks is very odd. He also said that if you don’t meet up with him soon he may very well turn up on your work’s doorstep. I wouldn’t put it past him now he knows you are open to reconciliation. So consider yourself warned.” She took a sip of her tea. “So what else has happened to you today?”

“What do you mean?” Loki asked warily. Sometimes his mother was perceptive enough to almost seem like she could read minds or see the future.

“You just sound like there is something going on. I can’t explain it. There is just something making you happy that isn’t speaking to Thor.”

Loki took a deep breath. He had never actually told his mother that he was gay. He knew that she knew and thus they had never had to speak about it. He had never confided in her about his love life at all, nor to anyone really, preferring to keep it to himself. But this time was different. He wanted to talk to someone about Tony.

“I think I might have met someone,” he said slowly. “I’m not sure, but I, well, I like them. I don’t really know them. But I think I could like them.” The last bit came out in a rush as he tried to explain.

“Does this someone have a name?” Frigga asked, her voice gentle.

“His name is Tony, Tony Stark,” Loki said very quietly. There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment and Loki started to wonder if he had misjudged his mother terribly. 

“Not the Tony Stark, of Stark Enterprises?” Frigga exclaimed.

“Erm....I don’t know.” Loki paused for a moment. “What is Stark Enterprises?”

“Only the biggest business in this town, if not this country.” His mother laughed. “I’m sorry, I hear about them all the time from your Father and Thor, I assumed you would know who they were. Of course it’s not your line of work so why would you.”

“You made it sound like I should know who he was though mother. Why would that be?” Loki asked, not entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“Well,” Frigga coughed embarrassedly, “Tony Stark is known for being a bit of a wild child you might say. He is constantly in the papers and not usually in the business section.”

“So what section is he in?” Loki could feel himself getting irritated by the piecemeal way his mother was telling this story. Why couldn’t she just get to the point!

“The gossip columns dear. He is a genius yet he spends more of his time drinking and womanising. There have been rumours of him doing whatever the make equivalent of that is also. He drives expensive cars far too fast and gets into fights in bars. In fact his last one almost landed him in jail. I believe he got some sort of custodial sentence involving therapy for that little escapade.”

Loki sighed a little at what that meant. “I think he is seeing the same therapist as me.”

“What on earth makes you think that dear?” Loki told her how he had ran straight into Tony coming out of Adam’s office. “Ah, well then it would seem likely that he is. Does this change how you are starting to feel do you think?”

Loki thought about it for a moment. Did it change anything? When he thought of the smile in Tony’s eyes when he said they must have a drink sometime the bottom still fell out of his stomach. He remembered the feel of Tony’s hand in his and he blushed.

“No, I don’t think it does. Though it will make things more complicated. I practically ran away from him when he invited me for a drink not knowing who he was. Now you tell me he is almost famous and a bit of a wastrel. l have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.”

“You will figure it out son. He might be all those things but he is also a genius who has lost both his parents. Just like you, there are more sides to him than the one that most people see. Perhaps you should start by looking for those.” 

 

“Ah mother, you always did say the wisest things.” Loki smiled as he spoke. 

“I am your mother Loki, that makes me the wisest woman you will ever know.”

“Mother?”

“Yes Loki?”

“Would you help me with something?”

“Of course, if I can.”

“Would you like to come round here for dinner tomorrow? Maybe you and Thor. I, I want to carry on making things up to him but I can’t face him alone.” 

It was a very quick subject change and Loki wasn’t quite sure what had prompted him to ask. All this talk of Tony was wonderful, but it wasn’t something he really wanted to get any further into. He barely knew the man and had no idea if Tony could even be interested in him. There seemed to be no point going over things further and, if he was honest, he kind of liked having these little feelings all to himself.

“Oh Loki. I would love to. I’m sure your brother isn’t doing anything he can’t change. What time shall we come round?” Frigga could barely contain the excitement in her voice and this made Loki smile. It had been a long time since he had heard his mother that excited yet he could still picture exactly what her face would look like.

“If you come round after half six that would be fine.”

They said their goodbyes but neither of them was really focused on the small talk. Frigga washed her cup at the sink and thought about her sons being reunited. Loki got ready for sleep and thought about Tony Stark. A man he had only met three times now but who was already coming to dominate his thoughts.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an age again. I'm sorry. I do have a plan to make this go quicker I promise. It's a short chapter too and I'm trying my hand at the rude stuff so I hope it's not too awful. So be warned, the ending is NSFW really.

Tony left Pepper with her laughter ringing in his ears. She had tried not to laugh at him too much but the dawning realisation that he might actually like this guy had been so plain on his face that she had given up and just laughed. He would have been angry but deep down he realised that it was hilarious. Tony Stark actually liking someone. It was just so unlikely. He was a flirt and a rake and that was that. He seriously considered that maybe he just needed to get laid. Or at least jerk off. It must be pure lust that he was feeling and if he could just deal with that then everything would be fine.

Once he got home he headed straight down to his workshop intending to spend a couple of hours working on his AI. The prototype was almost ready for installing it just needed the last few checks doing. The equipment he needed for the basic version had been set up throughout the house so within a week he hoped to be able to start the test phase. But once he got down there he couldn’t concentrate. Giving it up as a bad job he decided to try and write in his diary for a while.

Back upstairs he grabbed a huge mug of coffee and his diary and set to work. Adam wanted him to think more about his relationship with his mother and father and how that had shaped him. Tony sips his coffee and thinks about it. It’s not a wall he thinks he is ready to climb just yet. It feels solid and high and completely insurmountable. Definitely not one to tackle without a run up yet. So what to write about? Loki’s face pops into his head and Tony chuckles to himself. Clearly he was not going to manage without thinking about Loki. He grabs his pen and starts writing, might as well use is as therapy if his brain isn’t going to let him focus on anything else.

An hour later he has filled six pages of writing about the man. Some of it resembled hard analytical science and the rest adolescent poetry. Who was Loki? Was he a patient there? His eyes were like emeralds in the moonlight. Tony re-read what he had written and didn’t know weather to laugh or cringe. Clearly he was interested in this man. What bothered Tony was how much he was interested. He had never had what could be called a relationship in his life and this was a fact that didn’t bother him. Relationships were messy and painful. He’d watched his friends with horror as they fell in and out of love all his life. How they coped with it was beyond him. Relationships seemed to make no sense even when they were happy. How was it possible to give so much of yourself to anyone? Yes here he was. Not thinking about how best to get into bed with Loki, but thinking about talking to him. Getting him to blush again. Seeing if he played piano like his hands suggested he might.

Tony threw down his diary in disgust. This just wouldn’t do. He grabbed his coat and his keys and set off out of the house. Maybe a drive would do him good. The R8 was ready to go and he sped off not really knowing where he was going, he just wanted to drive. The speeds he goes at he has to concentrate on the road. Combining that with Black Sabbath at eardrum splitting volume meant that any thought was pretty much impossible. He just wanted to drive and to not think. Not the easiest of things when you’re Tony Stark.  
Three hours later he returned home. His legs had cramped from the drive and he had no idea where he had been. Loki has remained in his thoughts, just underneath the thrumming of the music. Tony parked the car in the garage and headed up to the bathroom to try and wash the thoughts of Loki away. As usual he stripped off as he walked though his room towards the shower leaving the clothes where they fell. He set the shower to the fiercest spray it would manage and the temperature just this side of scalding and hopped right in. As the hot water battered his muscles he could feel tension slipping away that he wasn’t even aware had been there. The water ran down his body and he can feel his head dropping forward, relaxing fully. Except he isn’t just relaxing and he knows it. Deep in the pit of his stomach he knows that he is horny as hell. Like a teenager all this thinking of Loki has got him fired up and he knows damn well that it’s not going to go away without a little help. He could go out but the thought of picking up some girl in a bar does nothing for him at all. 

Tony runs his hands through his hair slicking it back in the water. His hands drift down his body and in his mind’s eye they are Loki’s hands. Those incredibly fine boned hands. He can feel himself hardening at the thought. Tony masturbates on a regular basis but never really thinking about anyone. Usually it’s purely to get rid of some stress and calm down a bit. This is different. He can imagine Loki here in the shower with him. His long, lean body pressed against his back. Him reaching round and taking Tony into his hand. Stroking and cupping and gripping in all the right places. Kissing that sensitive spot just below his ear. Murmuring lewd things in that soft voice of his. 

Tony’s knees buckle as he comes. He lets the spray of the shower clean him then switches it off. He dries himself off and then retraces his steps putting back on the clothes he discarded on the way to the shower. He picks the diary back up again and settles in for another in depth look at how he feels about this man he hardly knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I would really appreciate some constructive criticism on this one. It's the first time I've tried writing any kind of sexual scene and I do plan on more as the story goes on. So your thoughts are much appreciated.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think from this point on the chapters with Adam will be very variable in length. I'm not going to try and force them to be longer as I'll be filling in much more of the story with other chapters focusing on Tony and Loki outside of therapy.

Tuesday came around once more and Loki was not sure what to make of it. The past week had been so strange and he wasn’t sure he had processed it all really. The diary was full of scribbles and thoughts mingled in with spilled coffee and other stains. He actually felt slightly eager to talk to Adam today. Perhaps a trained ear could help him make sense of everything.

When he was called into the office he the first thing Adam noticed was the determined look on Loki’s face. 

“Well now, you look like you have something on your mind today. Are you planning on sharing?” He asked.

“Actually I am. Please don’t keel over with shock.” Loki smiled. “I’ve had an interesting week and I could use your help getting my head around it all if I may.”

“That is what we are here to do Loki. So I take it you would like to lead today’s session then?”

“Almost. I want to tell you about my week and then I suppose you can prod me in the right direction.” Adam nodded once and Loki opened the diary to help him focus his thoughts. “I spoke to my brother this week. Well, I texted him. Right after last week’s session actually. Then that evening my mother called me. Of course Thor had told her about the texts and she was elated. We were talking about, about some other things and then suddenly I was inviting her and Thor around for dinner the following evening. I have no idea where the thought came from!” 

Adam had noted Loki’s hesitation but decided not to press him for details of what they were speaking of. That could come later.

“So you invited them round for dinner. Just them or your father too?”

Loki laughed. “Just them. Truth be told I only invited mother because I wasn’t sure I could face Thor alone. The texts I had sent him were to apologise which he accepted enthusiastically. I knew he would be full of questions and I knew I would not be able to answer them all. Mother would be a buffer between us as she had always been.”

“Did you consider inviting your father at all?” Adam pushed the point, determined to get Loki to answer. Loki scowled in response.

“No, I did not. I don’t currently have anything to say to the man and I couldn’t see how his presence would help.” Loki looked down at the floor and takes a few deep breaths. He’s not sure why these questions make him so angry but they do. As soon as he thinks about his father he stops being rational. It’s something he is aware of but hasn’t quite figured out what to do about it. “I’m sorry. I just. My father makes me angry and I’m not ready to deal with that one yet. So I will just stick to my mother and brother for the moment if that is alright with you?”

“Sure Loki. But you are going to have to face this problem eventually. It’s not going to go away on it’s own. Please, continue.” Adam gestures to the book in Loki’s lap.

“Well they came for dinner. I cooked. I can’t remember the last time I cooked for anyone other than myself. It was kind of nice to do. We ate and we talked and it was very much like it was when we all lived at home. Comfortable, relaxed. Thor is working with father now. Learning the ropes, getting ready to take over one day no doubt. He wears sharp suits every day and hates every tailored inch. I think if he could ban ties he would. He is seeing someone now. An astrophysicist of all things. How different they are. He really seems to like her. It was nice to see him so happy. I had missed that.” Loki paused and turned the page in the diary. “I have a piece I would like to read if that is alright.”

“When Thor arrived he hugged me so hard I thought he was going to crack my ribs. I hated it just like I always used to. Yet when he left I hugged him harder than I ever had before. I clung to him as if I would never see him again. I think I was making up for all the hugs I had missed. I think I was saying sorry and I love you without having to say either. He just held me and let me do all the squeezing. I think he knew what I was trying to say. Somehow I don’t think I will need my mother to hold my hand the next time I see Thor.”

Loki closed the book and huffed out a breath he wasn’t really aware he was holding.

“I truly think that things are on the mend with Thor. You know I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t need him. That I didn’t miss him at all. I was so foolish! I look forward to telling him about....” Loki stopped and blushed slightly.

“Now then Loki, why do I feel you are hiding something from me?” Adam asks. Loki looks up sharply at him. “That is twice you’ve not mentioned something this session. So clearly there is something on your mind but you don’t want to tell me about it.”

“You’re right, I don’t.” Loki answers shortly.

“And that’s fine Loki; you don’t have to tell me everything all at once. Can you tell me why you don’t want to talk about this?”

Loki looked lost for a moment. “I want to keep it for myself. It’s mine and I’d like to keep it that way for a little bit longer. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. “

“Ok, We’ll leave it there then. Tell me how you see things progressing with your family instead.”

“I think it’s going to go well. I’ve agreed to meet them for dinner at least once a week. They’ve agreed to not invite father. We are not fixed. Not by a long shot. But we are finding the pieces. I think we may actually become a family again.” Loki smiled and whispered his last sentence to himself again. 

“Good. That’s good to hear.” Adam smiled back at Loki. “Ok it’s a little early but I think we’ll call it there for today. It’s always nice to finish when you’re happy if that is an option.”

Loki gathered his things and said his goodbyes but he wasn’t really there. He was too busy revelling in the idea of family and what the future could hold.


	17. chapter 17

Tony barrelled into Adam’s office as if he had the devil at his heels. His hair was messier than usual and he looked like he hadn’t slept for days. In one hand he was clutching the diary and in the other was the largest coffee he could lay his hands on in a takeaway mug. Before Adam even had chance to say hello Tony started talking.

“Ok Doc, I tried to write about what you wanted me to. Really I did. But I can’t get this guy out of my head so I’m afraid you’re in for some belated teenage angst today. That ok with you?”

He sat down, took a huge gulp of his coffee and toed his shoes off all in one movement. 

“Well I suppose I can handle that. You certainly seem like you have a lot to say so it must be important. Can I just clarify though? You did say guy, correct?”

“I certainly did. It’s a little known fact I’ve managed to keep out of the gossip columns that I like men as much as I do women. So no tattling on me, I’ll know where it came from.” Tony pointed at him in mock seriousness. “I usually go away if I’m feeling like a little man action.”

“Are you ashamed of it?” Adam asked.

“Nope not in the slightest. But not everyone is as enlightened as I’d like and I’d really rather not cause Obie any issues with the business. Plus I like having this to myself.”

“Who is Obie?” Adam furrowed his brow slightly.

“He’s the guy who looks after Stark Industries. He was my father’s partner. When Dad passed away and I was in no state to take over Obie stepped in. He runs everything, lets me have my own little projects and is generally the reason why I still have a fortune.” Tony looked down briefly then huffed a laugh. “I owe the man a lot.”

“It certainly sounds like it. Well, I’m sure you will tell me more about him in time. How about you start telling me about this mystery man.”

“Alrighty then. He works in the bookstore Pepper took me to. That was where I first saw him. Same day he came into the coffee shop we go to. I met him properly last week as I was coming into my session. I literally bumped into him. Guy actually knocked me flying, talk about falling for someone.” Tony chuckled to himself. “Anyway after the session I met Pepper at the coffee place again and there he was again. It’s like he’s haunting me.”

“That’s a little melodramatic don’t you think Tony?” Adam said.

“Well it feels like it. I can’t get him out of my head. Listen to the crap he made me write!” Tony opened the diary and began to read. 

”When he blushes his cheeks go the colour of the palest rose you can imagine. White touched with pink. It makes me want to keep him blushing always.” Tony snorted. "See! He’s turned me into a 15 year old girl. It’s appalling.”

“So what? Surely you’ve romanticised over someone before?”

“Well you see Doc that’s the thing. I haven’t. You remember that womanizing person who only sleeps with them once and doesn’t care about anything? That guy does not fall for people. He doesn’t spend hours mooning over the fine boned hands and smooth voice of an individual. And he damn well doesn’t worry about what to say the next time he meets them. He knows exactly what he is going to say and how long it is going to take to bed them!”

Tony lay down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He hadn’t meant to shout but all his frustration from the past week had just come boiling to the top.

“I thought it was just lust you know? That’s not that case. Wonderful a resource for jerking off as he is that hasn’t helped clear him from my mind. I’ll admit, I have no idea what to do.”

“Does that frighten you?” Adam asked thoughtfully.

“Yeah I guess it does. I don’t want a relationship. Not ever.”

“Why not?”

“Because they don’t end well.”

Adam sighed. “You know that that is not true. Not always.”

“Do I? I’ve never seen one work out first hand. All it seems to be is two people compromising themselves so they work together until they rip each other’s hearts out. I’ll stick to my uncomplicated sex thank you very much.”

“And what about this guy? Do you think you can just bed him and leave?”

Tony didn’t answer right away. Instead he thought about cooking breakfast for Loki then putting him in a cab and never seeing him again. His gut twisted at the thought. Next he thought about just never seeing him again. Stopping this madness before it started. Again his gut twisted. Not an option either apparently. Sighing he looked at Adam.

“No I don’t think I can do that. I actually feel kinda sick at the thought. I think that not pursuing him at all is not an option either. God damnit! I can’t do this.”

“Why not Tony? What is it that makes you think you can’t do this?”

“Because I don’t want to end up like my Dad!” Tony shouted. Adam said nothing, letting the statement sink into Tony’s head. “Because I don’t want to end up like my Dad.” He whispered again, slightly stunned. “What if I hurt him? What if I’m mean? What if I’m not actually capable of loving anyone like that?” The rush of questions spilled from his lips. “What if I screw it up?”

Adam smiled at Tony. “Then you will have joined the rest of us in trying to make things work. Not all relationships run smoothly. Most have their rocky patches. You will fight and then you will make up. It’s perfectly natural.” Adam paused and shook his head. “You are not your father Tony. Nor are you your mother. Their relationship does not define what yours will be like.”

“I don’t know Doc, I think maybe I’m too set in my ways to give this kind of thing a go now.”

“Really? I think you underestimate yourself. I’m not saying the next time you see the guy you should throw yourself at his feet and confess undying love. But don’t sabotage yourself before you start, ok?”

“I’m making no promises!” Tony smiled. “But I’ll think on it, how’s that?”

“I think that will make our next session very interesting indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the chapters seem to be plateauing at about 1000 words so I'd love to make them longer but the writing pixies are against me. As always your comments are very welcome.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been far too long. Thanks for sticking with me! I got made redundant so I kinda lost the writing mojo for a while. Sorry about that. Hopefully it won't be so long til the next chapter.

The coffee shop beckoned as it always did at the end of a session. Finishing early was nice, especially when it meant he left with a smile on his face. Loki considered calling Thor and asking him for coffee but he hesitated. Now would be a really good time to get some writing done. He refused to admit to himself that he wanted to be alone just in case Tony showed up. That was most definitely not the reason he kept his phone in his pocket.

When he got to the coffee shop it was quiet and he was able to take his drink and sandwich to his favourite chair in the back. He slipped his shoes off and tucked his feet underneath himself like he always did. He took a quick mouthful of his tea and reached for his diary. His hair slipped in his eyes as he leant forward. Loki pushed it back irritably. He either needed to get it cut or start tying the darn stuff back. Once his hair was securely behind his ears again he opened the book to the last entry. This was one he had not wanted to share with Adam. It felt horribly teenaged to him and he was slightly ashamed by that. Loki had dabbled in that glorious art of teenage poetry but he hadn’t written anything in a very long time. Until he met Tony Stark that was. 

_Fast word mouth could_  
touch my joy.  
Cold life believes  
soft passion  
is choice.  
They guarantee deep need  
inside life mind.  
Walk apart  
always  
but restrain the  
fall. 

He sighed as he re-read the words. Not a bad effort, certainly less angsty than some of his previous attempts. Loki closed his eyes and pictured Tony in his head. He saw the calculating look in Tony’s eyes the last time he had shook his hand. Loki knew damn well he blushed and he was fairly certain that was the point; that Tony had done it on purpose. He smiled and bit his lip. So Tony was a bit of a bastard. He could deal with that. According to his mother Tony was also a drunk and a womaniser. Not great. But Loki knew that he couldn’t judge this man on what the gossip columns said. Loki himself was a great many things and they didn’t define him on their own. But there was a very real possibility that this whole idea was doomed from the start purely based on his gender. Loki thought back to the eye contact Tony had maintained and doubted that there was really a problem there. What about the therapy? Was it even allowed for two people seeing the same therapist to date? 

Loki huffed to himself. Talk about getting ahead of the game. He honestly had no idea if Tony was interested in him. Nor was he sure about his own feelings. It had been so long since he had even considered a romance of any kind. He certainly wasn’t an innocent but things had been so messed up for so long that boyfriends had seemed unimportant. Casual dalliances had hurt too much and only made him feel even more disconnected once they were over. It had been more years than he cared to think about since anyone had touched him, held him, kissed him. He had more scars now, both inside and outside. What would they look like to someone else? Would someone who had issues of their own be able to handle his as well?

Loki’s tea went cold as he furiously poured these questions and more into the diary. The waitress quietly brought him a new one. He spent so much time and money there the occasional freebie was sent his way. Usually these were politely accepted but this time Loki didn’t even see her. All his focus was on trying to make sense of the way his stomach flipped when he thought of Tony’s eyelashes, on if he thought he could ever wear short sleeves in front of the man never mind kiss him, on if the possibility that what this man could offer was worth the probable pain.

Loki took a deep breath and put the pen down. His hand hurt from writing and he was no closer to knowing what he wanted. He picked up his tea and realised that it was still warm and therefore not the tea he sat down with. He smiled slightly at that. A new love life might be complicated but nothing was a welcome as people who were willing to keep his tea warm. 

Just as Loki was sipping his still warm tea Tony was leaving his session with a spinning brain. Genius he might have been but trying to get the thoughts of an actual relationship to make sense in his head was beyond him. He had already called Pepper before his session began to let her know that he wanted some alone time after this session. Deep down he knew he was lying to her. He wanted to go to the coffee shop on his own in case Loki was there. But then again Pepper had probably known that before he had. By the time he arrived he had worked himself into a complete state. What was he going to say if Loki was there? What was he going to do if he wasn’t? Taking a deep breath he opened the door and stepped inside before he lost his nerve. Giving the front of the shop a quick scan as he headed to the counter he could see that Loki wasn’t there. His stomach dropped slightly. He ordered his usual ridiculously large and strong coffee and was so distracted by thoughts of heading into the back of the shop to see if Loki was there that he missed the knowing smile the barista gave him. The staff here all knew Loki well enough to have noticed their encounter the week before.

Tony thanked the barista and took his coffee into the back section of the shop. As he rounded the corner he spotted a familiar shock of black hair. He stood still for a moment and just looked. Loki’s hair had slipped from behind his ears and was covering his face. He was writing furiously in his book and sipping from a large mug. His feet were curled up beneath himself. Tony sighed. He had never seen a prettier sight. He bit his lip wondering if he should go straight up to Loki or just sit somewhere near. At that moment Loki must have felt the weight of his stare as he looked up and straight at Tony. Tony grinned at him and headed to his table. He’d been spotted so he might as well head over now.

“Well hello Loki, fancy seeing you here.” He said with a grin. “Can I join you?” Tony gestured at the empty seat.

“Erm, of course Mr Stark, please do.” Loki stuttered. He had flushed slightly already and was starting to uncurl himself from his seat.

“Tony, please. If we’re gonna keep meeting like this you have got to lay off with the Mr Stark business.” Tony smiled as he spoke but it didn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Don’t move on my account. I’m planning on shucking my shoes anyway.” This time his smile was much more genuine.

“Well alright.” Loki closed his book and put it down on the table. Tony pointed at it and then at the identical one in his hand. 

“I guess we’re both seeing Adam then. Does that count as cheating?” Loki flushed a deeper shade of red. “I guess as long as we know about it then it probably doesn’t. So we’re both fucked up huh? Maybe we should share war stories?” He smiled at Loki. Gentler this time and slightly scared.

“Perhaps we should. I’m not sure this is the time or place for it though.” Loki replied. “I wouldn’t want to scare you away.”

“What makes you think you’ll be the one doing the scaring?” Tony asked with an arched eyebrow. “I’ll have you know my stories are very scary.” 

“I’m sure they are Tony, as are my own.” Loki looked down at his hands and said very quietly, “Why would you want to hear them?”

Tony sighed and waited for Loki to look up. “Honestly? Because I like you. Since the moment I laid eyes on you in the bookshop I have not been able to stop thinking about you. Since we both seem to be seeing the same therapist then it goes without saying that we have some baggage. If we’re gonna go past saying hello to each other then it only seems fair that we should lay some cards on the table first.” Tony huffed to himself, “I’m not saying we need to go through our entire life stories but a general idea of the baggage might be a good place to start. That is of course if you want to. I could be totally putting my foot in it here which is not unusual for me.”

Loki let out a laugh at this. “I think it’s fair to say that I like you Tony. You’ve gone out of your way to make me blush at every opportunity. Frankly I’m amazed you like me but I’m sure that will change as we swap stories.” Loki smiled sadly at him.

“Don’t be so sure of that sonny. Ok I’ll start then. I’m in therapy rather than being in jail. As usual I had one drink too many and hit on the wrong woman. Her man took offence at that and somehow he ended up in hospital and I ended up in a police cell. The judge said jail or therapy and I chose therapy. That’s it in a nutshell.” Tony looked Loki in the eye the whole time he spoke as if he was daring him to pass judgment. 

“And you think that’s a scary story do you Tony?” Loki broke eye contact and looked back down at his hands. “I’m seeing Adam as I was referred to him after a failed suicide attempt. That’s the short version.” 

Tony closed his eyes for a moment. He wasn’t sure what he has expected Loki’s story to be but this was not it. The very thought that this beautiful creature had tried to kill himself pained him. 

“I told you mine was the scarier story.” Loki laughed a little to himself. Tony opened his eyes and reached out putting his hand over Loki’s. 

“Not scarier Loki, just sadder. We certainly are in interesting pair.” He shook his head.

“Oh so we’re a pair now are we?” Loki smirked. Tony quickly lifted his hand and blushed himself. “Ah so Tony blushes too eh, I shall remember that.” Tony looked up and found that Loki was grinning at him and that grin had a very wicked edge to it. He found himself grinning back. 

“Well maybe not a pair yet. How about we talk about that idea more over dinner?” He flashed his best Tony Stark smile then, the one that always got him a date for the evening.

“Well that very much depends.”

“On what?”

“On what your intentions are. I will not be one of the people you whisk off of an evening only to serve them breakfast and a goodbye in the morning.” Loki’s face had gone very serious but he also looked slightly nervous. As if he meant every word he said but was afraid of not getting the answer he hoped for. 

“I thought you had no idea who I was?” Tony asked. “You seemed to have no idea.”

“Oh I didn’t. I mentioned your name to my mother and she advised me that you have a bit of a reputation. I don’t honestly care about it. I just don’t want to be another notch.”

“Ah I see. Well, lets go for dinner and we can lay down some ground rules then. How does that sound?”

“That sounds acceptable.” Loki took the last mouthful of his tea, stood up and gestured to Tony. “Where did you have in mind?”


	19. Not a Chapter

Hey guys. I am so sorry about the continued delay. I have decided to put this on hold for a little while. Do not worry, I will finish it. Up to this point I've just been writing whatever comes when I sit down. To get this story finished with a satisfying ending I really need to plan out the rest of the story properly. It's my first attempt at writing in a long time but I would still like it to be ok.

So, if you can just bear with me a little while longer regular updates should begin again soon. Thank you so much for your patience.  
xXx


	20. Chapter 19

Tony made the choice and took Loki to a little place he knew around the corner from his house. It was owned by a family of second generation Italians and Tony had been going there for years. It was simple fare and the atmosphere was cosy and relaxed. He had never taken a date there before, only Pepper. It was quite a private place for him but somehow it felt right. Maria greeted them at the door in her usual way by kissing Tony's cheek.

"Tony, it has been too long. You and Pepper haven't been visiting us at all!" She shook her finger at him and tried to look stern. "But I see you are bringing a new friend this evening. Your usual table?"

Tony smiled at her. "Ah Maria I've missed you too. I'll bring Pepper soon I promise. If the table is free then that would be wonderful. The usual bottle too please." He paused a moment and looked at Loki. "Do you drink red wine?" An innocent question but Tony felt a thrill at finding out something about Loki. Loki smiled shyly and nodded. Maria patted Tony's cheek and gestured for him to lead the way. Tony knew the restaurant backwards and headed over to his table as if it actually belonged to him. He pulled a chair out and inclined his head motioning for Loki to take a seat. Loki did but blushed as Tony gently pushed his chair in for him.

"Well well Tony, this is a surprise. A small restaurant and gentlemanly behaviour. Not what I expected at all." The words were soft and Tony smirked at them.

"What did you expect? Had your mother lead you to believe I was a bastard who would throw my money around?" Tony shook his head slightly. "The gossip columns may report every dalliance but they miss the finer details."

Loki looked worried all of a sudden. "I meant no insult. I don't know what I expected. It just wasn't somewhere they clearly know and care for you though."

Tony reached over and placed his hand on top of Loki's for a brief moment. "No insult taken, don't look so mortified. Truth be told I didn't know where the hell to take you and this place came to mind as it's very safe for me. I don't generally take men out when I'm at home and I certainly don't...well." He looked uncomfortable and shifted in his seat. "I should be honest I guess. That's the whole point of the therapy right? I like you. I mean I actually like you. I wanted to take you somewhere that I didn't have to worry about paparazzi. Just me sticking my foot in it over desert." Loki blushed again and Tony found himself determined to keep him doing that all evening. 

“We’ve barely spoken, how can you know if you like me?” Loki scoffed. “For all you know I’m horrible. We could have nothing in common.”

“We’ve got Adam.” Tony responded with a slight quirk of his eyebrow.

“I hardly think having a therapist in common is a great place to start. All that says is that we both have issues. Surely that is going to make things harder on both of us.” His shoulders had slumped as he spoke and he looked very small and fragile. Tony was about to reassure him but Maria arrived with a bottle of wine and a couple of menus. 

“You just wave when you’re ready Tony ok?” She smiled at him and disappeared back into the restaurant. Tony poured them each a glass of wine and handed one to Loki.

He took a deep breath before he spoke. It seemed that Loki was much more delicate than he had first supposed. “Look at me Loki.” He raised his eyes as far as Tony’s mouth but no further. “Close enough I suppose. Yes the fact that we both have baggage is going to make anything difficult. I’d lie but there’s really no point. But at least we’re starting out knowing that it’s there. I’m not say by dessert we’ll know each other’s deepest darkest secrets but we’re not going into this blind.” He sighed and then laughed slightly. “I think we should try not to sabotage ourselves before we start and just see what happens. I’ve always been a fly by the seat of my pants kinda guy anyway.”

At this Loki laughed. “Well I’ve always been a plan ahead and have a to do list kind of guy so that should make this interesting.” They smiled at each other for a moment and then Tony broke eye contact. Drowning in green eyes was not what he had planned this evening. Eating definitely featured.

“We should probably have a look at the menu. Maria is wonderful and treats me like one of her children so she will be wanting to feed me up about now.” He leaned over and pointed at a couple of items on the menu. “Both of these are amazing and I can almost guarantee you won’t finish either of them.”

“Is that so?” Loki raised one eyebrow challengingly. “I think I may surprise you.”

“On your stomach be it. Maria cooks to fill.” Tony grinned at him over the menu and then turned and waved to Maria who hurried over. After not very long Maria was back with two giant plates of steaming food which she placed in front of them.

Over good food they talked and laughed. Both were fiercely intelligent in their own ways and enjoyed talking about things they loved. Tony was fascinated by Loki’s tales of impossibly old books. Loki’s eyes widened at the possibilities Tony’s AI had. Unconsciously they wanted each other’s mouths. Eyes flicking up to make contact but never holding it for too long. Fingers curled round glassware were noted and admired. As with all good things though the meal finally came to an end. Loki had risen to the challenge and cleared his plate while Tony had to get his leftovers to go. He also insisted he paid despite Loki’s protesting.

“Let me pay Loki. I have the money so let me spend it.” 

They left the restaurant and suddenly things were tense again. Loki thrust his hands into his pockets and tried not to fidget. 

“I’ve had a very nice evening Tony, thank you.” It was stilted and Loki knew it.

“Doesn’t have to end here, I only live round the corner.” Tony said. Loki opened his mouth to reply but Tony beat him to it. “Nothing funny. I’m not trying to add you as a notch. I remember what you said. I just don’t really want to say goodnight yet.”

Loki looked at his feet. “Neither do I but I’m afraid I must. I really have had a nice time though. We could, we could do it again if you liked?”

“I liked. I very much liked” Tony was disappointed the evening was over but a promise of a reprisal was a good thing. “Give me your phone and I’ll give you my number.” He took the phone, making sure to brush Loki’s hand, and quickly typed his number in then called his own phone from it cutting it off before it reached voicemail. “Now we can both contact each other.”

“I believe this is goodnight then,” Loki said, “Until next time.” He took Tony’s hand and shook it politely, blushing the whole time. 

“Next time indeed Loki.” Tony grinned at him once more and turned to walk home. He had to force his legs to go in the opposite direction to Loki but he managed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. Yes I know the hiatus has been forever so if any of you are still reading I'll be amazed. I've been taking part in NaBloPoMo and it's really kicked the writing mojo back up a notch. I'm hoping for updates once a week now but we'll see how it goes!
> 
> xXx


	21. Chapter 20

Loki walked the long way home. Despite leaving Tony at the restaurant door he was not really ready to go home. He wished he had done more than shake Tony’s hand. He’d wanted to kiss him but hadn’t dared be so forward. Deep down he knew he would have pulled away though if Tony had initiated a kiss. As he walked along he replayed the evening in his mind. The food had been exceptional and the restaurant had been exactly the kind of place he would have chosen. He’d caught Maria looking over at them occasionally with a fond smile on her face. Tony was clearly beyond intelligent but at no time in their conversation did he belittle Loki or leave him feeling beneath him. 

Tony. Loki mentally shook himself and tried to wipe the smile from his face with little success. It had been years since Loki had even noticed an attractive man never mind gone on a date. The little things what what stayed fixed in his mind. The length of Tony’s eyelashes. The way he was incapable of talking without moving his hands. The unconscious way he brushed his fingers over Loki’s hand. Just thinking about these things had the bottom dropping out of his stomach. He couldn’t believe after a whole evening of talking Tony wanted to see him again. He’d not scared him away. 

Eventually Loki found himself at home and he realised he’d not called his mother to let her know how the session had gone. He checked the time and decided that it was not too late. She picked up on the second ring.

“Good evening mother,” Loki said.

“Loki! I was starting to think you weren’t going to call today. What have you been up to? Are you ok?” The questions came quick and with a slight edge to them. Loki laughed. He knew it wasn’t the right response but he couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry mother. I am well, please don’t panic. I just had an interesting evening is all.” He bit his lip waiting to see if she would pursue it or wait for him to just explain.

“Interesting how? I am sensing gossip here son. It’s not polite to keep you mother waiting you know.” Frigga’s voice had eased and Loki knew she had sat down ready for the story. 

“I went to the coffee shop as usual after my session and Tony Stark showed up. He, erm, well he asked me to dinner.” Stammered Loki, smiling faintly at the memory.

“I’m guessing from the lateness of the hour you accepted son?” Frigga asked, although she clearly knew the answer.  
“I did mother. I can’t believe it but I did.”

“And?” she demanded.

“What do you mean and?” Loki responded.

“Oh Loki, I mean details. You have never in all your life called me to talk about a date. So talk!”

He laughed and it was a rich sound. Relaxed and full and not something that had been unleashed upon the world for a very long time. He started at the coffee shop and told her about all the evening. He waxed lyrical about Tony’s ease with the Italian menu. Confided that he liked it when Tony touched him as he could feel the callouses on his palm. When he got to their parting he quieted a little.

“Mother I wish….I wish I had not left like I did.” He paused a moment trying to arrange his thoughts. “It felt like running away a little but I didn’t know what else to do. It’s not like I’ve got a lot of experience at this. I just really don’t want to be used.”

 

“Do you think he is out to use you?” She asked. “I mean I know I said he was a bit of a rake but it sounds like he genuinely wanted to spend time with you. The Tony of the gossip columns does not do that.”

“No that is just it, I don’t think he does want to use me. That’s what confuses me. I think he might actually want to date me. I have no idea how to handle that.” He growled in frustration. “What am I going to do?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know darling. Perhaps you should ask your brother for advice. He might have a better insight than me.”

“Thor? I’m not even sure how to broach the subject. I mean, I’ve never even implied that I don’t like women to him. Never mind asked him for advice on dating men.”

“I think you’ll find he is a lot more astute than you give him credit for dear. It was just a suggestion anyway. For the moment I would just be considering your second date. You do plan on a second date don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I’m just not sure how to approach it. Do I ask him? Do I wait for him to contact me? Oh it’s all so complicated.”

“Yes it is son. Welcome to the world of love.”Frigga laughed gently.

Shortly after that they said their goodbyes and Loki went through his usual nightly routine. He looked at himself in the mirror but in his mind’s eye he saw Tony. That night he went to sleep with thoughts of rough skin and soft eyelashes.


	22. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's is a short one I'm afraid. But I think it says all it needs to ^_^

Unlike Loki Tony walked straight home. He practically ran he was in that much of a hurry. Once he got there he bounded down the stairs to his lab and grabbed his diary. He sat on the floor, cracked the book open and started to write. For hours he scribbled away furiously, determined to capture every detail of the evening from the moment he stepped in to the back room of the cafe right up to leaved Loki at the restaurant. 

He must have filled up 10 pages before he felt he had it all. He read it back to check. Every nuance. Every raised eyebrow and quirked lip. Every slight blush. The only way he could have recorded it more faithfully was if he’d had an actual camera there.

He put the pen down and massaged his sore hand. The fingers felt stiff and his forearm had cramped. His legs and arse were numb from sitting on the floor. He dragged himself to his feet and put the book back on his workbench. hauling himself upstairs as fast as his sore legs would allow he decided to make himself a coffee. Coffee before bedtime had never caused him issues. Pepper joked his blood was made mostly of caffeine. Once he had the hot beverage in hand he headed to his bedroom. There was no way was he going to sleep yet but curling up in bed seemed like a fine idea.

It was at times like this that Tony missed having family or housemates. It would be nice to have come home to questions about his whereabouts or to be able to pick the phone up. Sure he could call Pepper but it was late and he knew she was the early to bed type. He was excited but not enough to wake her. 

He stripped off and got under the covers. Settling himself against the pillows he reached for his coffee and his sketchpad. For the next hour he sipped his drink and made plans for his AI. He had decided that it’s voice needed to be that of a suave English Butler. As he was making plans he was hearing Loki’s voice in his head. Perhaps he could convince him to be the voice artist for the final modell. He shook his head. The AI was so far away from that point. Loki might not even still be around then. He was getting ahead of himself.

As he sketched and scribbled his eyes started to droop. His coffee cup had been abandoned on the dresser a while ago so there was nothing to stop him from drifting off to sleep. His hand resting on the pad, a rough pencil drawing of Loki just poking out from under he fingers.


	23. Chapter 22

Loki was early to his appointment. He sat in the waiting room, his feet bouncing slightly with impatience. He watched the person before him leave and growled under his breath at the delay before he was called in. Finally his name was called and he strode into Adam’s office. 

“Hello Loki, how are…” Adam started his greeting but was cut short by Loki’s tirade.

“I don’t have time for pleasantries today Doctor. I need you to make my head straight today. I need you to make it all slow down.” He sat and dropped his head into his hands, dragging his fingers through his hair roughly. 

“Slow down Loki. We’re here to do exactly that. How about you start at the beginning and we’ll go from there.” Adam got up and got a glass of water. Placing it on the table in front of him he gestured for Loki to speak.

“I do not know where to begin. You say the beginning but I have no idea where that is.” He shook his head slightly and took a deep breath. Releasing it slowly he began to speak. “Last week I told you I had something I wanted to keep to myself a little while longer. That something was a erm, possible romance I suppose is the term. Well after our session I bumped into the gentleman in question and we ended up going for dinner.” 

“Did it go well?” Adam asked.

“Well? I, I suppose it did. It was an immensely enjoyable evening. He is intelligent and witty and utterly charming.” Loki blushed and fidgeted slightly.

“So what’s the problem?” 

“ I just don’t know what to do now. That was a week ago. I’m not, I’ve not got….I’m not exactly flush with dating experience. Thus far I have had little opportunity to pursue romance and I’m floundering.”

“Floundering at this juncture is perfectly normal, no matter how much experience you have. So the date was last week. Have you seen him since? Spoken to him at all?” Adam smiled encouragingly at him. 

“A few texts most days. I have not seen him since. We’ve tried to arrange to meet up but our schedules have been completely conflicting. We have tentatively agreed to meet up this afternoon after….” Loki stopped short and looked up at Adam.

“After what Loki? After your session?”

“Not exactly. More like after his.” He chewed his lip apprehensively. 

“His session? He is a patient here too?” Loki nodded but did not speak. “You seem worried that him being a patient of mine is going to be a problem. I can assure you it isn’t. This is not an office job, there are no rules about dating. I would ask that you remember that you are both dealing with a lot of stuff right now and that means this relationship is likely to have unusual rough spots. Other than that I am happy for you. Are you willing to tell me who he is?”

Loki thought about it for a moment. Did he want to reveal who it was? Did he really want to see what this person who was getting to know Tony so well thought of this relationship? If he was honest with himself the answer was no but he knew it was bound to come out eventually.

“Tony Stark. His name is Tony Stark.” Loki waited for whatever Adam had to say but the silence just seemed to stretch on. He looked up from under his lashes and met Adam’s gaze. 

“Good.”

Loki was bemused. “Good? All you have to say is good. I don’t understand.”

“There is very little else I can say. Doctor patient confidentiality is a very real thing but I can honestly say out of all my patients I am happy that it is him. I think you two might be very good for each other.”

“Huh. That is not quite the response I was expecting. I’m pleased, don’t get me wrong. I just thought you would think differently is all.” He sighed deeply. “Not that it matters too much. I’m probably going to screw it up before it starts. I usually do.” 

“Is this where we get to the part about getting your head straight?” 

“Yes I believe it is. I like him. I really rather like him. But I’m not equipped for this. I have no idea why he likes me. We’ve, well we’ve mentioned our reasons for being here, seeing you, but I don’t think it’s prepared him in any way for what I can be like. For what I look like under here.” He gestured to his clothes. “I just, I don’t want to scare him away. But I can barely manage myself half the time. How am I supposed to manage this?”

“The same way we all do Loki. One day at a time. You will have your bad days. You can’t hide them from Tony, nor should you try. They are part of you. The same will happen with him. A relationship is all about balance and sharing. If it is going to work between you then you will find a way to share each other’s burdens.” Adam looked at his watch. “We’re slightly over our time so we are going to have to stop there. We didn’t get chance to look at your book today but I assume you did write in it?” Loki nodded. “Good. perhaps this week you could try and write some things about you and Tony. See if you can work through it on paper and we’ll have another look next week. It was a good session today Loki, well done.”

Loki smiled and grabbed his things. He didn’t feel like his head was totally straight but things certainly seemed to be a little calmer. He wondered how long that would last if he was going to see Tony again shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably the last chapter of the year. There is still plenty more to go but I can't promise I'll have it up before Christmas. So dear readers, have a lovely festive period and I'll see you in the new year ^_^


	24. Chapter 23

Tony walked into his appointment quietly. He sat down, slouched into the sofa and stared at his knees. Adam just crossed his legs and waited for Tony to speak. The silence dragged on for a few painful seconds.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I am?” Tony snarked. Adam just shook his head. Tony huffed and the room went silent again. Less than 10 seconds passed before Tony made a noise half sigh half growl. “God damnit doc you’re supposed to be helping me aren’t you!” he shouted. “So help me.”

“Tony you said you wanted to lead these sessions. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you want me to help you with. Give me a starting point at least. Maybe read something from your diary.” Adam calmly responded.

Tony looked at him with big eyes. Clearly he wished the therapist could read his mind but since that didn’t appear to be an option he realised he was going to have to speak. He grabbed his diary and started rifling through the pages. Eventually he found what he was looking for and started to read.

“What is green? It’s a colour, a mixing of blue and yellow. It’s grass and jewels and apples. It is light with a wavelength of roughly 520–570 nanometers. We see green because the medium wavelength M cones in our eyes are triggered more than the long wavelength L cones,” he slammed the book shut, “and it’s all I fucking see right now!” He threw the book on the table and ran his fingers through his hair. “You remember me telling you about the guys with the green eyes? Well we went on a date last week.”

“Did it not go well?” Adam asked cautiously.

“It went fine. It went better than fine in fact. It was great.” Tony grimaced.

“So what is the problem then?” Tony didn’t answer. “Have you seen him since?” 

“No.” Tony muttered.

“Why not?”

“We’ve tried to arrange it but things keep getting in the way. For two screw ups we seem to have busy schedules.” He smiled very faintly.

“Two screw ups?” Adam said. “Tony you are hardly a screw up, what makes you think he is?”

“He’s one of your patients too. God I am such a cliche!” 

“Ah I see. Well the fact that you are both patients of mine is not an issue. Just be careful, you’re both going through a lot of stuff. The usual rules may not apply in quite the same way.”

Tony interrupted him. “The usual rule? Doc if I followed the usual rules for me I’d have screwed him already and be moving on. That is my usual way. Not this…” he stumbled over the words and growled in frustration. 

“Not this what Tony?” Adam prodded.

“Not this dancing around trying to figure out what to do next. I have a plan usually. There is a pattern to these things. I show off, they’re impressed, we screw, I leave. I can do that. But this? I get the feeling he’s not the type to be easily impressed.”

“Why not?”

“Because Loki,” Tony’s eyes went wide as he realised he’d said Loki’s name. “Damn. I hadn’t planned on saying who he was. I’m usually better at playing the pronoun game. Does it matter that you know?”

“Doctor patient confidentiality means that this won’t affect his sessions at all Tony, don’t worry. Please, continue explaining the problem to me.”

Tony sighed but continued. “So I can’t just throw money around like I usually do. I really don’t want the media getting hold of this too early on. Thrusting it into the limelight is certainly not going to do anything but crush us.”

“I don’t see the problem though Tony. So you can’t be extravagant. Just be you.”

“Why would he…” Tony’s eyes flickered downwards as he forcibly stopped speaking. He looked back up at Adam and it was as if a wall had come down behind his eyes. His face transformed into the cocky mask of Tony Stark and he opened his mouth as if to speak.

“Stop Tony.” He faltered. “Whatever it is you are about to say, stop. We agreed that you would lead the session and would analyse further what I told you to, correct?” Tony nodded hesitantly. “Well here is the first one. What were you going to say? I think I know already but you have to be able to say it. This here is your first fork in the road. You can carry on as you have been which is what you are about to do. You will brush this off with a smart assed comment and a cocky smile and you will not change. Or you can face this wall. I don’t expect you to be able to climb straight over it but you need to acknowledge that it is there and it is something you need to breech.” He paused a moment and made sure Tony was giving him his full attention. “So tell me Tony, what were you going to say?”

Tony blinked a few times and swallowed thickly. He bit his lip and bowed his head slightly. When he raised it again Adam could see his eyes were slightly glassey.

“Why would he want just me?” Tony whispered. “Why would anyone want just me?”

“That is what we are here to find out I think.” Adam replied quietly. “Underneath the money and bravado lies the real Tony Stark. That is the man I want to leave these sessions when were are finished.” Tony snorted wetly. “I think he is going to surprise you Tony.” 

Tony scrubbed his hand over his eyes. “Yeah well, we’ll see doc.”

“You did well today Tony. This is something we need to look at in much more detail so I need you to get your analysing head on. It’s an emotional topic so the next week is going to be hard for you I imagine. Can I make a suggestion?” Tony nodded. “Talk to Pepper. You say she is your best friend and has been for years. I imagine she knows and likes the real Tony Stark even if you don’t. Get her to guide you in starting to uncover him.”

“Whatever you say doc.” Tony agreed weakly. He was clearly wrung out by the session and just wanted to leave the room. “Are we done here?”

Adam nodded and Tony was up and shambling out of the door before he had chance to speak again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back after the holidays. Hope you all had a good one!
> 
> Well this one just wrote itself. Hope you enjoy ^_^


End file.
